Well, that's three in a row. Tonight for the third time I went to a bonfire where the host was burning green wood. Tonight's wood was VERY green, but let me tell you the whole story. Sorry for the length. For you non readers, you'll have to go visit the WTF pictures thread.
Before we head out for our homeschool community bonfire, we pack the van with a lawn chair, some tiki torches and fuel, flashlights, bug spray, etc.
We show up and see the pile - a large pile of brush - maybe 15 feet across and 8 feet high. But it's all brush - nothing over 2 or 3 inches thick. The lower stuff looks dead, but a lot of stuff on top had green leaves. I didn't see any other wood around.
"Well" says I to myself and my wife, "this should be interesting. If that stuff on the bottom is dry, the fire should last about 1/2 hour."
About the time it gets dark, someone goes over to light the fire. I was off by the food table, chatting with friends, shaking hands and trying to remember names, and after a while I check on the progress. He's still there, putting small chunks of stuff on the tiny blaze he's got going. An empty bottle of lighter fluid is on the ground nearby. He's not having much luck. Apparently all the stuff on the bottom is green also. He's got a fair bit of smoke, and a steady blaze, but it's small, and not spreading. I make a comment about green wood, and he agrees with a shrug.
So I go back to chatting and stuffing my face. By this time he's got to the other side to hopefully get a second blaze going. He brought over some charcoal and more lighter fluid. Another guy shows up and he's putting handfuls of grass (cut yesterday) on the first fire. It blazes up for a moment, then dies away, since there's no kindling on top of his flash-in-the-pan. I decide I need to find a close friend to help me make fun of the situation, so I find Jack. He's a smart man and works with tractors.
"Tenderfeet." I say to Jack.
"What's that?" asks Jack.
"Tenderfeet. Green horns. City folk. Guys that don't know anything about fire. Look at them trying to get a fire going with green wood. It'll take all week before this thing smoulders itself out."
"Yeah," says Jack. "This isn't going so well. You should have brought some wood."
"I was seriously thinking about it. The last two bonfires I was at it was the same - green wood that smoked and stank, and didn't give off any heat."
By this time there are 4 or 5 guys on the pile trying to get things going, but that pile was green and wet - it's wasn't going to go up without a fight, and it was winning. We'd had a week's worth of rain lately.
We talk about diesel fuel for a while, and I finally go to the host's son (16 years old) and asked him for some diesel. He say's he's not going to get in trouble for passing out diesel at a bonfire - I'll have to go to his dad.
So dad and I head down to the garage for some fuel. He's out of diesel, but I mix a quart of 40w with an equal amount gasoline in a 5 gallon bucket and head back to the fire. His main concern is that I'm very careful with it. I'm no stranger to fire and gasoline, and I reassure him I have at least a clue as to what I'm doing.
Unfortunately, I have a rather large mouth and a twisted sense of humor. I get back to the bonfire, and there are 3 somewhat decent blazes going on in 3 different parts of the pile, and small groups of adults and kids are shivering nearby them. "Stand back!" I holler out. "I brought the gasoline!!" and I set down the 5-gallon bucket.
That was probably the wrong thing to say. Homeschoolers generally have a pretty good sense of humor and are rather easygoing about such things, but they are also rather protective of their kids. While I didn't exactly start a panic, there were some rather concerned faces. One dad came up to me and was about ready to wrestle me to the ground. "Hey, I really don't think you should do that," he said - not knowing exactly what I intend to do with 5 gallons of pure gasoline. I told him that it was mixed with oil to reduce the volatility to that of diesel, and that I was only going to dump a tiny bit on at a time. He remained unconvinced, and tried at some length to persuade me over, but I was not daunted. I told him I knew what I was doing (I really hate using that phrase, especially when I really DON'T know what I'm doing), and he finally gave it up. He grabbed his family and hurried back, taking out his phone camera to post online later, should it be worthy.
Hoping I'm not about to personally sponsor a 'hold my beer' moment, I put a couple ounces in a small cup and throw it onto the pile between two blazes. It wasn't near any flames (which was my intention - get an area a bit saturated before coaxing the flames over there), so nothing happened. A few scoops later I decide to throw a 'bridge' of fuel between the blaze and my soaking. It worked, and a lovely (and tiny) 'woosh' went up, sending that area up in flames beautifully. I moved on to another spot between blazes and repeat. I was soon out of fuel, but that wood was so stinking green that after 2 minutes there was nothing to show for my labor. I think to myself that a bellows or leaf blower would be just the thing, as the clouds of smoke drift upward, obscuring the stars.
I resigned myself to our communal fate, and decided to enjoy the light of the bonfire, if not the heat.
10 minutes later, Hans, a Lutheran pastor, finds a 2' square chunk of corrugated metal and starts to fan the flames. He gets a good blaze going - as good as my fuel mixture, and moves on to the second and third blazes. It looked to me like we finally had enough heat to get it burning well enough. I teased him loudly about being a preacher - what does he need the metal for if all he want's to do is produce a lot of air? He fanned a bit more, and I teased him about how well he's getting the fire nice and hot - has he been reading Jonathan Edwards lately? (A 19th century preacher who was very 'firey' himself). That one got a laugh out of him. He then passed the metal to me saying it was my turn.
Me and my big mouth.
So I fanned for a while, but it looked like he had already burned all the stuff worthy of a quick blaze, and my fanning did very little good at all. Just can't produce that air like a good Lutheran.
So I sat down next to Hans and complained about green wood, telling him that the next time I go to a bonfire, I'm bringing wood and kindling.
Kids were off who knows where, playing in the dark down at the creek or in the barn or in one of the 3 dilapidated buildings nearby. (This location used to be a farm). Hans, who loves puns, mentioned that we could have a barnfire instead of a bonfire. I decided to take the suggestion to the host. I found him nearby, and suggested that we move the bonfire 100 yards north and make a barnfire. He chuckled and mentioned how the wife would get upset, but that if I have any other suggestions, to please bring them to his attention for future consideration.
My wife, who is 5 months pregnant, was getting tired and suggested that we go home, but she didn't know how we're going to round up our 8 kids. I told her to sit down and leave it to me. I grabbed a light and started shining it in faces, looking for Petersons. I found my oldest, and alerted her to the situation. I then found a bundle of 3, and alerted them. I found another, and sent him off to find the remaining kids. Soon we had all but 2 and a shoe missing. After 10 minutes we found the shoe but no sign of the kids. I suggested we leave them here and pick them up in a week or two, but my wife reminded me that we're singing at Hans' church on Sunday, so we needed them all. After another 10 minutes one of them showed up. I asked her if she'd seen her brother, and she said he was down by the creek. 5 minutes later we're all in the van heading home, just when I remembered the tiki torches I brought along and forgot to take out of the van.
Yup - another successful Peterson adventure, and I'll be darned if I'm going to another bonfire without bringing some wood along. Next opportunity is in 30 hours.
Before we head out for our homeschool community bonfire, we pack the van with a lawn chair, some tiki torches and fuel, flashlights, bug spray, etc.
We show up and see the pile - a large pile of brush - maybe 15 feet across and 8 feet high. But it's all brush - nothing over 2 or 3 inches thick. The lower stuff looks dead, but a lot of stuff on top had green leaves. I didn't see any other wood around.
"Well" says I to myself and my wife, "this should be interesting. If that stuff on the bottom is dry, the fire should last about 1/2 hour."
About the time it gets dark, someone goes over to light the fire. I was off by the food table, chatting with friends, shaking hands and trying to remember names, and after a while I check on the progress. He's still there, putting small chunks of stuff on the tiny blaze he's got going. An empty bottle of lighter fluid is on the ground nearby. He's not having much luck. Apparently all the stuff on the bottom is green also. He's got a fair bit of smoke, and a steady blaze, but it's small, and not spreading. I make a comment about green wood, and he agrees with a shrug.
So I go back to chatting and stuffing my face. By this time he's got to the other side to hopefully get a second blaze going. He brought over some charcoal and more lighter fluid. Another guy shows up and he's putting handfuls of grass (cut yesterday) on the first fire. It blazes up for a moment, then dies away, since there's no kindling on top of his flash-in-the-pan. I decide I need to find a close friend to help me make fun of the situation, so I find Jack. He's a smart man and works with tractors.
"Tenderfeet." I say to Jack.
"What's that?" asks Jack.
"Tenderfeet. Green horns. City folk. Guys that don't know anything about fire. Look at them trying to get a fire going with green wood. It'll take all week before this thing smoulders itself out."
"Yeah," says Jack. "This isn't going so well. You should have brought some wood."
"I was seriously thinking about it. The last two bonfires I was at it was the same - green wood that smoked and stank, and didn't give off any heat."
By this time there are 4 or 5 guys on the pile trying to get things going, but that pile was green and wet - it's wasn't going to go up without a fight, and it was winning. We'd had a week's worth of rain lately.
We talk about diesel fuel for a while, and I finally go to the host's son (16 years old) and asked him for some diesel. He say's he's not going to get in trouble for passing out diesel at a bonfire - I'll have to go to his dad.
So dad and I head down to the garage for some fuel. He's out of diesel, but I mix a quart of 40w with an equal amount gasoline in a 5 gallon bucket and head back to the fire. His main concern is that I'm very careful with it. I'm no stranger to fire and gasoline, and I reassure him I have at least a clue as to what I'm doing.
Unfortunately, I have a rather large mouth and a twisted sense of humor. I get back to the bonfire, and there are 3 somewhat decent blazes going on in 3 different parts of the pile, and small groups of adults and kids are shivering nearby them. "Stand back!" I holler out. "I brought the gasoline!!" and I set down the 5-gallon bucket.
That was probably the wrong thing to say. Homeschoolers generally have a pretty good sense of humor and are rather easygoing about such things, but they are also rather protective of their kids. While I didn't exactly start a panic, there were some rather concerned faces. One dad came up to me and was about ready to wrestle me to the ground. "Hey, I really don't think you should do that," he said - not knowing exactly what I intend to do with 5 gallons of pure gasoline. I told him that it was mixed with oil to reduce the volatility to that of diesel, and that I was only going to dump a tiny bit on at a time. He remained unconvinced, and tried at some length to persuade me over, but I was not daunted. I told him I knew what I was doing (I really hate using that phrase, especially when I really DON'T know what I'm doing), and he finally gave it up. He grabbed his family and hurried back, taking out his phone camera to post online later, should it be worthy.
Hoping I'm not about to personally sponsor a 'hold my beer' moment, I put a couple ounces in a small cup and throw it onto the pile between two blazes. It wasn't near any flames (which was my intention - get an area a bit saturated before coaxing the flames over there), so nothing happened. A few scoops later I decide to throw a 'bridge' of fuel between the blaze and my soaking. It worked, and a lovely (and tiny) 'woosh' went up, sending that area up in flames beautifully. I moved on to another spot between blazes and repeat. I was soon out of fuel, but that wood was so stinking green that after 2 minutes there was nothing to show for my labor. I think to myself that a bellows or leaf blower would be just the thing, as the clouds of smoke drift upward, obscuring the stars.
I resigned myself to our communal fate, and decided to enjoy the light of the bonfire, if not the heat.
10 minutes later, Hans, a Lutheran pastor, finds a 2' square chunk of corrugated metal and starts to fan the flames. He gets a good blaze going - as good as my fuel mixture, and moves on to the second and third blazes. It looked to me like we finally had enough heat to get it burning well enough. I teased him loudly about being a preacher - what does he need the metal for if all he want's to do is produce a lot of air? He fanned a bit more, and I teased him about how well he's getting the fire nice and hot - has he been reading Jonathan Edwards lately? (A 19th century preacher who was very 'firey' himself). That one got a laugh out of him. He then passed the metal to me saying it was my turn.
Me and my big mouth.
So I fanned for a while, but it looked like he had already burned all the stuff worthy of a quick blaze, and my fanning did very little good at all. Just can't produce that air like a good Lutheran.
So I sat down next to Hans and complained about green wood, telling him that the next time I go to a bonfire, I'm bringing wood and kindling.
Kids were off who knows where, playing in the dark down at the creek or in the barn or in one of the 3 dilapidated buildings nearby. (This location used to be a farm). Hans, who loves puns, mentioned that we could have a barnfire instead of a bonfire. I decided to take the suggestion to the host. I found him nearby, and suggested that we move the bonfire 100 yards north and make a barnfire. He chuckled and mentioned how the wife would get upset, but that if I have any other suggestions, to please bring them to his attention for future consideration.
My wife, who is 5 months pregnant, was getting tired and suggested that we go home, but she didn't know how we're going to round up our 8 kids. I told her to sit down and leave it to me. I grabbed a light and started shining it in faces, looking for Petersons. I found my oldest, and alerted her to the situation. I then found a bundle of 3, and alerted them. I found another, and sent him off to find the remaining kids. Soon we had all but 2 and a shoe missing. After 10 minutes we found the shoe but no sign of the kids. I suggested we leave them here and pick them up in a week or two, but my wife reminded me that we're singing at Hans' church on Sunday, so we needed them all. After another 10 minutes one of them showed up. I asked her if she'd seen her brother, and she said he was down by the creek. 5 minutes later we're all in the van heading home, just when I remembered the tiki torches I brought along and forgot to take out of the van.
Yup - another successful Peterson adventure, and I'll be darned if I'm going to another bonfire without bringing some wood along. Next opportunity is in 30 hours.
Thanks for the story Unc.
It's times like this I wish A.S. had animation that looked like a male emoticon laying pipe to a female emoticon. That, unc, should be your signature down at the bottom lol, not all those pesky chainsaw models you typed in. 
