avalancher
Arboristsite Raconteur
I'm hiding under the covers, to reveal my location would only stir them up even more and the wood fairies know no boundaries when exacting revenge on a wood cutter for cutting one of their beloved trees.
It started yesterday.An elderly gentleman called me to his house to remove a large red oak that was blocking his view of the lake, and wanted the tree gone.After settling on a price, I agreed to knock it down that afternoon and clean it up this weekend.
As I sat on the tailgate touching up the chain, I could feel one of them headaches coming on. The kind that makes your eyebrows wiggle and your nose itch.The kind that makes you wonder if you should have gotten out of bed that morning as it is a sure sign the day is going to go down the tube as soon as your feet hit the floor.Sadly, I reached into the glove box and dug out some Tylenol.
I believe in one thing, if you are going to do something, do it right.The bottle says take two and in thirty minutes you should feel relief.Well, like many mornings, I didnt have thirty minutes, so to speed the process I took eight.After all, if you take two to get relief in thirty minutes, you should feel better in five minutes with eight, right?Do the math!
As I made my way down the hill, I could hear them snickering.The quiet kind of chuckle that sounded kinda like something in the movies when the bad guy is just waiting for the victim to open that last door.We all scream inside, "Dont open the door fool, he's right behind it!"
I knew they were waiting for me,and waiting once again for me to leave my lunch box on the tailgate so they could slide some poison ivy leaves in between my bratwurst and honey sandwhich like they did last time. Just waiting for me to leave the toolbox open so they could haul my files back to the shop and leave them on the workbench.Thats how wood fairies work.Trust me.
As I worked, I could hear the laughing getting louder.As I made my face cut, one of them snuck up and zipped my fly down so that I would have a day of sawdust in my crotch.They are some crafty devils,let me tell you! Aint nothing worse than standing in line at the local burger joint with your mouth itching while you scratch your crotch and try and convince the cute little blond behind the register you are all right!
As that tree began its decent, I could see that once again the wood fairies were ahead of me. They had craftily moved a tree right in the path, and sure as shootin the dang thing hung up.You would be amazed at how fast those little devils can dig up and move a tree. Last time they moved a tree I saw the dang thing jump up and trot fifty feet just so it could be in the way, and the dang lttle varmints laughed the whole time!
I have learned over time not to try and explain the theory of wood fairies to folks who dont run a saw. The stares, the phone calls to authorities who question the purity of my blood, to the visits mandated by my wife to some clown in an office with a big couch, they all have convinced me that if you dont have sawdust in your veins you just dont see em. Thats okay, I dont really believe that Elvis is dead either.Last time I was in Las Vegas, he was everywhere.Every time I turned around I bumped into the guy.He sure gets around for such an old guy.Try and convince some folks of that!
Like I said, I didnt even try to explain things when the landowner wanted to know what happened. I just let it go with the usual, "Well, the wind came up and shifted the tree in mid flight" and he seemed satisfied with that.As I pointed out, that tree was blocking his view of his mailbox down on the highway, and a guy really needs to keep an eye on your mailbox. Last time I left mine unattended some clown came along and shoved a bunch of bills in it.I told him no charge for the second tree coming down, just doing my part to help the guy out.
Seeing as how my lunch was ruined again by those little devils, I decided to get some lunch in town, and not wanting to excite the gal again behind the counter, I went through the drive through.I generally avoid the drive through for several reasons.
For one, when I order my lunch they always think I am kidding.I really want my burger without the top bun.It makes it so much easier to lick the ketchup off the patty if you dont have a bun in the way, but every time they stick a bun on top anyway.At least when I go in they can see by looking at me I am dead serious.
But by far, the biggest reason I avoid the drive through is because of the wood fairies.Once they show up for the day, they follow you every where but for some reason they dont like to follow you in to a store or restraunt. I think they dont like the little Wendies gal the most, last time I went in there with them trailing along they had to evacuate the entire place after I left the bathroom. Never did find out what happened.
But in the drive through things can happen, and often it can get pretty ugly.Last time they pulled my trailer over a few feet and I ended up pulling the trailer right through the little speaker they have set up for you to yell at the gal with. Thats why I avoid the drive through when I am being visited by wood fairies.
This time was no exception.They really pulled out the stops this time by narrowing up the driveway, and if that wasnt bad enough they thoughtfully hooked my mirror on the little window the gal uses to throw your food through.You would be surprised at how hard I had to mash the throttle to get that mirror unstuck! Even the cops where impressed at how much pulling power my Bronco had, although they did their best to mask their awe by cussing me out.Thats okay, I could see right through them.Everyone enjoys a little demonstration of horsepower.
You think my day ended there?Not by a long shot. Those litle devils invited my sister in law over for dinner along with her idiot husband.My wife insisted she had told me last week about dinner with them, but I knew better.I saw one of those devils hunkered down behind the stump with a cell phone glued to his ear, and now I know who he was calling! All the while through dinner, my brother in law kept staring at me and finally asked me if I was alright.Of coarse Im alright, why?
"Well, you are eating with a mixing spoon, thats all."
Well, of coarse Im eating with a mixing spoon, anyone with any sense would. After all, with this spoon, I can eat three times faster than you can.It hauls three times more food to your mouth.What an idiot.
I made it through the night okay but now morning is here, and I have less than four hours to go before those little devils will be gone and I am not moving out from under these covers.In their final attempts last night,
they moved the toilet over a foot,figuring I would pee on the floor in the dark.I fooled em and pee'd in the sink.
They kicked the breaker on the water heater, I fooled em by not taking a shower and slept on the couch.
Four hours to go........
It started yesterday.An elderly gentleman called me to his house to remove a large red oak that was blocking his view of the lake, and wanted the tree gone.After settling on a price, I agreed to knock it down that afternoon and clean it up this weekend.
As I sat on the tailgate touching up the chain, I could feel one of them headaches coming on. The kind that makes your eyebrows wiggle and your nose itch.The kind that makes you wonder if you should have gotten out of bed that morning as it is a sure sign the day is going to go down the tube as soon as your feet hit the floor.Sadly, I reached into the glove box and dug out some Tylenol.
I believe in one thing, if you are going to do something, do it right.The bottle says take two and in thirty minutes you should feel relief.Well, like many mornings, I didnt have thirty minutes, so to speed the process I took eight.After all, if you take two to get relief in thirty minutes, you should feel better in five minutes with eight, right?Do the math!
As I made my way down the hill, I could hear them snickering.The quiet kind of chuckle that sounded kinda like something in the movies when the bad guy is just waiting for the victim to open that last door.We all scream inside, "Dont open the door fool, he's right behind it!"
I knew they were waiting for me,and waiting once again for me to leave my lunch box on the tailgate so they could slide some poison ivy leaves in between my bratwurst and honey sandwhich like they did last time. Just waiting for me to leave the toolbox open so they could haul my files back to the shop and leave them on the workbench.Thats how wood fairies work.Trust me.
As I worked, I could hear the laughing getting louder.As I made my face cut, one of them snuck up and zipped my fly down so that I would have a day of sawdust in my crotch.They are some crafty devils,let me tell you! Aint nothing worse than standing in line at the local burger joint with your mouth itching while you scratch your crotch and try and convince the cute little blond behind the register you are all right!
As that tree began its decent, I could see that once again the wood fairies were ahead of me. They had craftily moved a tree right in the path, and sure as shootin the dang thing hung up.You would be amazed at how fast those little devils can dig up and move a tree. Last time they moved a tree I saw the dang thing jump up and trot fifty feet just so it could be in the way, and the dang lttle varmints laughed the whole time!
I have learned over time not to try and explain the theory of wood fairies to folks who dont run a saw. The stares, the phone calls to authorities who question the purity of my blood, to the visits mandated by my wife to some clown in an office with a big couch, they all have convinced me that if you dont have sawdust in your veins you just dont see em. Thats okay, I dont really believe that Elvis is dead either.Last time I was in Las Vegas, he was everywhere.Every time I turned around I bumped into the guy.He sure gets around for such an old guy.Try and convince some folks of that!
Like I said, I didnt even try to explain things when the landowner wanted to know what happened. I just let it go with the usual, "Well, the wind came up and shifted the tree in mid flight" and he seemed satisfied with that.As I pointed out, that tree was blocking his view of his mailbox down on the highway, and a guy really needs to keep an eye on your mailbox. Last time I left mine unattended some clown came along and shoved a bunch of bills in it.I told him no charge for the second tree coming down, just doing my part to help the guy out.
Seeing as how my lunch was ruined again by those little devils, I decided to get some lunch in town, and not wanting to excite the gal again behind the counter, I went through the drive through.I generally avoid the drive through for several reasons.
For one, when I order my lunch they always think I am kidding.I really want my burger without the top bun.It makes it so much easier to lick the ketchup off the patty if you dont have a bun in the way, but every time they stick a bun on top anyway.At least when I go in they can see by looking at me I am dead serious.
But by far, the biggest reason I avoid the drive through is because of the wood fairies.Once they show up for the day, they follow you every where but for some reason they dont like to follow you in to a store or restraunt. I think they dont like the little Wendies gal the most, last time I went in there with them trailing along they had to evacuate the entire place after I left the bathroom. Never did find out what happened.
But in the drive through things can happen, and often it can get pretty ugly.Last time they pulled my trailer over a few feet and I ended up pulling the trailer right through the little speaker they have set up for you to yell at the gal with. Thats why I avoid the drive through when I am being visited by wood fairies.
This time was no exception.They really pulled out the stops this time by narrowing up the driveway, and if that wasnt bad enough they thoughtfully hooked my mirror on the little window the gal uses to throw your food through.You would be surprised at how hard I had to mash the throttle to get that mirror unstuck! Even the cops where impressed at how much pulling power my Bronco had, although they did their best to mask their awe by cussing me out.Thats okay, I could see right through them.Everyone enjoys a little demonstration of horsepower.
You think my day ended there?Not by a long shot. Those litle devils invited my sister in law over for dinner along with her idiot husband.My wife insisted she had told me last week about dinner with them, but I knew better.I saw one of those devils hunkered down behind the stump with a cell phone glued to his ear, and now I know who he was calling! All the while through dinner, my brother in law kept staring at me and finally asked me if I was alright.Of coarse Im alright, why?
"Well, you are eating with a mixing spoon, thats all."
Well, of coarse Im eating with a mixing spoon, anyone with any sense would. After all, with this spoon, I can eat three times faster than you can.It hauls three times more food to your mouth.What an idiot.
I made it through the night okay but now morning is here, and I have less than four hours to go before those little devils will be gone and I am not moving out from under these covers.In their final attempts last night,
they moved the toilet over a foot,figuring I would pee on the floor in the dark.I fooled em and pee'd in the sink.
They kicked the breaker on the water heater, I fooled em by not taking a shower and slept on the couch.
Four hours to go........
Take a bow! 
uttahere2:
:msp_lol:
