I wrote this some time ago as a part of a larger piece that I hoped would explain my attitudes and my career. I'm not sure if it was successful and the first part was a writing requirement, an autobiograpy, for an introductory session on a Saturday at DePaul in 1990.
That was a stand-alone piece; a step back into childhood, and a lesson taught by the indifferent and uncaring, which Imoved forward as an autobiographical moment.
There is also a section of Part II, written here; and finding a parallel between a childhood experience and the grownup work-a-day world where I was just leaving a park I had designed and had been meeting with the tradesmen.
I was both elated and filthy with the mud and stains of the new park as I walked to DePaulUniversity that morning. There was nothing green in the vacant lot yet, but I had convinced the workers to find their own sense of pride in what we could create. (This was written 6 years later in another attempt to be <i>educated</i> at another university.)
I left that university as well when they cut down two campus trees, two black willows, that were the core of my dissertation. They knew it. The issue of cutting them down was already in the student newspaper and I had written, not about my thesis, but about when the trees had become a part of the history of the school.
On Friday, the Grounds Department secretary called me to meet with the Department on Monday. On Saturday, they issued an emergency work order to have the trees cut down. I found the ground-down stumps on Sunday when I went to take some pictures--just in case.
I never went back.
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Woven though this thread are the posts of all of you with many feelings about education, and degrees, and a quiet sense of personal worth. Each deserves discussion, but what is almost never talked about is an artificial system, designed to generate revenues, and increasingly pompous and distant from real points of principle and education.
Education shouldn't be paying and enduring, and answering questions in some multiple-choice exams until the bell is rung for the diploma handout.
It ain't what it's cracked up to be. It might have been, but that's dissolved--as I discovered, foolish twit that I was.
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<i>A Jury of Nuns</i>, from somewhere in the middle...
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Not having a degree had been consistently troubling for me--some times more so than others. Still, more than once, I had leapfrogged different job requirements and escaped the rituals of obligatory credential sniffing. It was unheard of fifteen years earlier, that I, as an electrician, without one minute in an accounting class, should manage an old private school without a degree.
The fundamental absurdity of this heresy was pointed out one morning by a teacher, furious over some inconsequential item, who shook his fist at me and shouted "You're nothing but an ignorant construction worker."
It was equally difficult to later build parks and other big projects without an hour's worth of time in engineering courses to validate my competency to present new ideas and solutions.
I sat in meeting rooms filled with chuckling and smirking engineers who ridiculed my presentations because the ideas weren't taught to them in schoolbooks long since forgotten or granted the imprimatur of accepted formulas and tables. In their arrogance and aggregate, these juries would have required the Wright Brothers to get pilot's licenses before they could fly the first airplane and the engineers were absolutely smug in the sense they alone held the final edges of knowledge in their hands.
In part, and in defense for these confrontations, I had wanted a degree--as if somehow it might change the audiences; as if somehow I would be accepted as a professional. But in truth, they were the ones who weren't professional.
Far too often, the juries were just anointed and credentialed magpies, strung out on a wire of a fence, squawking and mocking in the joy of their own company, their shrill voices increasing as anything unfamiliar drew near.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't bitter and exhausted over battling antiquated and calcified positions defended with a fervor that was proportion to the fear of change. In those battles, there seemed to be a number of practical reasons to get my degree.
But quietly as well, I was embarrassed in not having a degree, a kind of residual shame of having failed some larger unspoken expectation.
My father once talked about not finishing high school and he too talked of being a disappointment--even though his family had no choice during the Depression. Each of us viewed ourselves by our own generation and had failed our educational imperative; each considered, alone in our thoughts, what we might have been.
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In a still ambivalent mood, I finally signed up at DePaul and found an opportunity to test out of the English writing requirements. I called ahead to pick up a packet of materials to prepare for the test, but instead I was told that the two week closing date had just passed and that materials were not given out after that date. I naively answered that I could waive any complaints of not having enough time to prepare, and it was my responsibility if I flunked the test.
"No, it can't be done," I was told, but I decided to stop in anyway that morning and try to be more persuasive face to face.
Perhaps it was the gravel and sand stains on my trousers, or some recent event where one of the homeless that haunted the McDonald's below had stumbled off the elevator on this floor, because I cooled my heels for quite a while until someone came out to see me.
Finally, allowed to sit across the table from a young anointed woman, I explained my request again and was told it was simply not possible. Obviously prepared for this kind of debate, she said it wouldn't be done. "There's one thing I'll tell you," she said with pointed firmness, "you won't leave here today with that material."
She stood smugly fast against arguments coated with rationality, compassion, or the general theory of insignificance. Humor and righteous indignation merely glanced off of her. And when it was clear that I was profoundly dull-witted and unable to accept the obvious, she excused herself by saying she had a meeting and bid me good-bye.
I sat at the table for a few moments, finally decided it wasn't worth it, and wandered away. My timetables made no difference to them; they were the center of the universe and everything revolved around them. How foolish to question the keepers of the tabernacle.
In DePaul's Discovery Workshop later, a required introductory meeting which resolutely combined educational tokenism with crass revenue generation, we were asked to bring a short autobiography--a reasonable enough request, and also to read a few selected short essays. In the first few hours, I was struck by the honest revisitings of long-past emotions and memories in the various autobiographical pages that were passed back and forth between the prospective students.
Many people admitted to crying while they wrote their individual pieces and the rest kept their heads bowed in silent affirmation of their own emotional effort of reaching back and plumbing their childhood. I was surprised at how many spoke of abuse, how many of prejudice, how many of loss. The woman next to me, Thelma, wrote in halting and awkward prose of a childhood filled with quiet tragedy and she wrote about her hopes of what she still might be.
One of the assigned reading essays was by Richard Rodriquez, the son of Mexican immigrants who went on to get a Ph.D. in English Literature. He told a story of coming quietly one morning into his own library and finding his father, back to the door, looking over the some of the many books on his son's shelves. His father gently touched each book in one particular set, his fingers moving slowly over the tooled leather spines with a reverence born of his own inability to read any of the words suspended inside.
Rodriquez watched his father for a long time, unwilling to interrupt, realizing at that moment what sacrifices his father had made to send him to school, and that those very acts of love had insured a new cultural divide between them forever. He wondered if his father might have given up those same things if he had truly understood the profound consequences of his only son's further education which meant losing him to a distant language and caste.
When his father finally turned, they spoke for a few awkward moments and both finally left to finish a larger family visit. Rodriquez used that moving epiphanal scene to introduce his thoughts for his essay on the subtle cultural losses that minorities face in higher education.
The combination of my required reading of Rodriquez and seeing for just a moment, the raw vulnerabilities exposed in that class between people with a common dream, formed a new perspective for me that I never would have experienced--a respectful appreciation of how each prospective student wanted a resolution of issues, probably never before spoken or admitted. They had wrestled with shame, disappointment, a lust to learn again, or the recapture of things denied. I was truly privileged to see and understand this, and then suddenly I felt very much alone as a spectator, very much isolated in my insight, very much unsure of what this school would ultimately mean to me.
(Conitnued itn the next post)