Dear “Need to Talk” - I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but I would like to share my experience. I was the only witness and care giver in the sudden accidental death of my own dearly loved Dad, in a boating accident in a remote marsh in Southeast Louisiana.
You can “What If …” yourself into a deep, dangerous depression thinking about the things you could have done, might have done to prevent the accident. At that point you will make yourself totally useless to the victim, yourself, your family, and society in general, and you will still be completely powerless to change the past.
I got some very good advice from St. Paul that continues to reassure me and give me direction. Philippians 4: 4-9, and particularly verse 8.
You will always remember the things you wish you had done, and the things you wish the deceased had done. But do not set your mind on these things. That will only make you feel guilty, resentful, powerless, and helpless. Instead, set your mind on the present and the future, those things you have some influence over. You have gained a very valuable experience at the ultimate price. Use it. Share it. But do not let it defeat you. Set your mind on excellence, and continue to pursue it.
You have my Love and Prayers.