Firewood for sale "professionally split"

[PA. Woodsman]

There is an ad in the local Allentown, PA. (yes, that Billy Joel Allentown) newspaper that reads "firewood for sale-professionally split". I've been tempted to call this guy and ask him what difference it makes how it was split, and does he mean that he uses a splitter that splits it 14 ways at once, or what? Just thought that I'd share this; he can say anything that he wants, I just find this let's say "curiously funny"!

 

[windthrown]

Pro splitters...

Yah, I can see it now:

There are two guys there in lab coats in front of a steam driven log splitter. An OSHA person is on hand, along with a supervisor and a management and marketing team in a Winnebago near the steam splitter. They are linked up to a timber company that times the delivery of truckloads of bucked and limbed logs to the site. Then they have a team of sawyers that cut the logs into rounds and then they are placed in the splitter, and well, split. What, 14 ways is it? 16 way might be easier to build; 4 quartered quarters of rounds. Then the split wood is spit out onto a conveyor belt on the other side and checked by a quality assurance expert. Any wood that is not perfectly split or stackable is tossed aside and used for heating the steam powered splitter. Then each log is stamped to assure quality and carefully stacked into a truck where it is delivered to a professionally staffed drying kiln. There it is baked until it is exactly 20% moisture, not a percent more or less. Then it is trucked to a warehouse where it is stored at exactly 60 degrees and 20% humidity until you call and ask for a load to be delivered. While being stored, the wood is periodically tested by chemical analysis in a labratory to make sure that it remains 'professional' quality firewood. Any unprofessional firewood is discarded. Then it is stacked into the truck by certified union laborers and trucked to your lot by expert truck operators that have at least 15 years experience each. Then a team of jump-suited professional union laborers unloads the wood into a perfectly stacked tight cord on your property. They then show you how to light the perfect fire every time uning their firewood using a propane field burner blasting on high heat. They also provide you with a video of the entire professional woodcutting operation, from trees to firewood for you to watch while enjoying a fire in your livingroom.

At only $10,000 a cord, every log is guranteed and tested to be 'professionally split' firewood that will burn perfectly every time you light it up.

 

[windthrown]

Allentown... PA

Man oh man, I have never been to Allentown. But I have experienced it in spades. My 2rd previous girlfriend was from there. My last girlfriend was from Bethlahem, PA, next door to Allentown. My current girlfriend is from Harrisburg, PA.

All my life I have lived here on the west coast... but for some reason, all of the women in my life over the last 10 years have been from PA.

 

[PA. Woodsman]

Man oh man, I have never been to Allentown. But I have experienced it in spades. My 2rd previous girlfriend was from there. My last girlfriend was from Bethlahem, PA, next door to Allentown. My current girlfriend is from Harrisburg, PA.

All my life I have lived here on the west coast... but for some reason, all of the women in my life over the last 10 years have been from PA.

You must have something that these "Lehigh Valley" girls find attractive, you sly dog you!

 

[turnkey4099]

There is an ad in the local Allentown, PA. (yes, that Billy Joel Allentown) newspaper that reads "firewood for sale-professionally split". I've been tempted to call this guy and ask him what difference it makes how it was split, and does he mean that he uses a splitter that splits it 14 ways at once, or what? Just thought that I'd share this; he can say anything that he wants, I just find this let's say "curiously funny"!

But if it isn't "professionally cut" has "professionally split" added any quality?

Harry K

 

[Kneejerk Bombas]

We had a customer tell us, when the last load of wood he bought was delivered the kid unloading the truck told him he would really like the wood because it was nice and "fresh". The kid went on to say they just cut down the pine tree that morning!
Maybe that's what proffesional means...

 

[TechAlG]

Man oh man, I have never been to Allentown. But I have experienced it in spades. My 2rd previous girlfriend was from there. My last girlfriend was from Bethlahem, PA, next door to Allentown. My current girlfriend is from Harrisburg, PA.

All my life I have lived here on the west coast... but for some reason, all of the women in my life over the last 10 years have been from PA.

Run, run away! I made the mistake of marrying one of "those PA girls." Run while you still have the chance!

Actually, I'm just kidding. I did make the mistake of getting married to someone who didn't understand why I would want to spend a day in the woods..."I mean, you work with computers all day, why wouldn't you want to play on one on your day off? Why spend time in the woods, with no electricity, no running water, and (GASP!) NO CABLE TV!?"

 

[mga]

"professionally split" means he's going to charge more.

 

[Sprig]

Man oh man, I have never been to Allentown. But I have experienced it in spades. My 2rd previous girlfriend was from there. My last girlfriend was from Bethlahem, PA, next door to Allentown. My current girlfriend is from Harrisburg, PA.

All my life I have lived here on the west coast... but for some reason, all of the women in my life over the last 10 years have been from PA.

And hopefully professionally split. *total deadpan*


I'm sorry, couldn't resist :help:

Professionally split means no bloodstains, barff, or boogers, on the wood, and its not split into 2" diameter pieces resembling large kindling. As well, the pro will use much safety gear, like a football helmet, goalie pads, and ear muffs.

I admit to a slight wtf thing here, so, wtf?

Then again, I did figure it out. The pro was an unemployed CPA trying to make his Beamer payments

 

[SRT-Tech]

up here in BC, a lot of firewood companies consider "professionally split" wood as the following:

- all wood equal size/split (machine split, each piece equal size)
- the wood is clean (pressure washed, or steamwashed before drying and seasoning
- no bark, no oddball pieces, no dirt, no small waste pieces in the order

 

[Sprig]

We had a customer tell us, when the last load of wood he bought was delivered the kid unloading the truck told him he would really like the wood because it was nice and "fresh". The kid went on to say they just cut down the pine tree that morning!
Maybe that's what proffesional means...

LOLOL mike, reminds me of that scene in 'The Jerk' where he orders wine, 'None of that old stuff, I want fresh!' lol. Sheesh!

:monkey: *thinking real hard*

 

[Sprig]

up here in BC, a lot of firewood companies consider "professionally split" wood as the following:

- all wood equal size/split (machine split, each piece equal size)
- the wood is clean (pressure washed, or steamwashed before drying and seasoning
- no bark, no oddball pieces, no dirt, no small waste pieces in the order

LOL, must be the ones selling to the Point Grey area. Hey, we could invent a 'firewood gauge for the pro'?? Ya know, so its 'uber right' wood?

 

[SRT-Tech]

:yoyo:

 

[DDM]

To a house frow professionally split wood might sound more appealing in a ad.