Might not be around for a while

[Lightning Performance]

Four months on and I'm still a shattered mess, in some ways worse than ever.
I've started lurking again in these forums as I can read from a screen, not sure if I will be posting much though.

Your posting.

Thanks for the tips on milling boss. It helped me advance very quickly more so than any single thing I've tackled in life. You were aways on point because it came from experience. Went right to buying my first Cannon bar, building my first big csm soon after and buying four more csms.

Finish the book and publish it. Then you can go visit your chapel and drop it off at the library.

 

[BobL]

Finish the book and publish it. Then you can go visit your chapel and drop it off at the library.

Thanks LP, Not sure the College would like a copy of my memoir on their shelves. In the book I'm pretty scathing about how the College treated Amanda because Amanda rated her treatment by the college as her number 1 PTSD trigger. Amanda gave 23 years of her life to that place and I'm very angry with them but all the staff that did this to Amanda and "I would like to have words with" are long gone.

 

[Trever]

My wife and soul mate (Amanda) of 46 years died suddenly on Sunday and I am pretty shattered. I have a son and daughter-in-law and two wonderfull grandkids, 9 siblings, 8 in-laws, 30 nieces and nephews, 21 great nieces and nephew, great neighbours and friends, but have never felt so alone. The house is full of Amanda's arts, crafts and nicknacks so the memories of her are very strong and at times over whelming. Eventually I hope to eventually get back to contribution to these forums.

So sorry to hear that. Praying for you and your family.

 

[Lightning Performance]

Thanks LP, Not sure the College would like a copy of my memoir on their shelves. In the book I'm pretty scathing about how the College treated Amanda because Amanda rated her treatment by the college as her number 1 PTSD trigger. Amanda gave 23 years of her life to that place and I'm very angry with them but all the staff that did this to Amanda and "I would like to have words with" are long gone.

All the more reason to publish for others to never be treated that way again. Irony would be them buying it to shelve there like humble pie.

 

[BobL]

Taking the dogs for a week on the south coast to escape the city and have a mental health break.
Staying with friends on a 300 acre farm.

My view from the patio while having a couple of cups of Joe.

The farm is next to a National Park so lots of firebreak trails to take the dogs walking


Lots of Kangaroos, Snakes and Fairy Wrens.


All very therapeutic.
The mate has a milling job lined up for me but I'll be doing that on another visit.

 

[markle]

Those birds are really unique. Thanks for the pics and update.
Immersion in nature and green rural settings has known therapeutic benefits…heart health…psychological…and just overall feels good. Keep walking…keep sending pics.
The forest is my cathedral.

 

[BobL]

Just letting you all know that I have begun to feel bit better and am a bit surprised and even a little guilty at how quickly things have improved. I was seeing my Psych every week and last couple of visits have been every two weeks and am just about to try monthly visits. I've also been attending a group grief counselling sessions but am not sure I will continue with these. I've been continuing with short meditation sessions, and seeing all my close friends and family on a very regular basis. Over Easter I went with my son's family to a beachside town 150 miles away that I used to live in as a kid which while a bit stressful (autistic grandson) was another goo break. Have also been listening to more audio books and podcasts on Grief and PTSD which is what Amanda had. My anger about Amanda's PTSD triggers have also begun to diminish. I can't pin my improvement down to any single thing and think it has been a combo of all these that have helped.

I can now about and look at photos of Amanda without having a meltdown and at times can even smile and think of all those good times we had. I never thought this would be possible again.
Quite significantly I can now function in ways I could not do a couple of months back. ie can now read paper based text and watch TV for more than half an hour. Yesterday for the first time since Amanda passed I spent a good hour in my homeshop (before that I all could cope with was a few minutes) i was only cleaning up but it felt OK.

 

[markle]

BobL, it’s very good to hear your update, and that you are finding some coping skills and some peace. there is no textbook response to grief and loss…we each just keep working hard to find a way….find what works for us…find our path and move forward on our journey. Cutting wood and rebuilding husky chainsaws seems to be therapeutic for me. Thank you for the update and I wish you peace.

 

[TheLaundryMan]

Great to hear from you man. Sounds like you’re taking a great approach to healing. Don’t feel guilty for starting to handle it better! I really don’t know you at all and obviously didn’t know Amanda but you know that’s not what she would want if she’s watching you from the afterlife. Everyone here wishes you nothing but the best and hope you are able to get back into some form of normalcy to life now.

 

[grizz55chev]

Just letting you all know that I have begun to feel bit better and am a bit surprised and even a little guilty at how quickly things have improved. I was seeing my Psych every week and last couple of visits have been every two weeks and am just about to try monthly visits. I've also been attending a group grief counselling sessions but am not sure I will continue with these. I've been continuing with short meditation sessions, and seeing all my close friends and family on a very regular basis. Over Easter I went with my son's family to a beachside town 150 miles away that I used to live in as a kid which while a bit stressful (autistic grandson) was another goo break. Have also been listening to more audio books and podcasts on Grief and PTSD which is what Amanda had. My anger about Amanda's PTSD triggers have also begun to diminish. I can't pin my improvement down to any single thing and think it has been a combo of all these that have helped.

I can now about and look at photos of Amanda without having a meltdown and at times can even smile and think of all those good times we had. I never thought this would be possible again.
Quite significantly I can now function in ways I could not do a couple of months back. ie can now read paper based text and watch TV for more than half an hour. Yesterday for the first time since Amanda passed I spent a good hour in my homeshop (before that I all could cope with was a few minutes) i was only cleaning up but it felt OK.

My shop is my Sanctuary, my happy place if you will! Busy hands are happy hands, and there are countless projects just waiting for my attention. Sounds like you are doing much better.

 

[angelo c]

So sorry Bob. I cannot imagine the pain you are enduring. Prayers sent for you and your family.

 

[BobL]

Thanks everyone. I'm sure your thoughts and best wishes from the other side of the world have helped even if it is in a small way.

 

[BobL]

It's now some 8 months since Amanda died and I'm continuing to make progress. I'm only seeing my psyche about once a month and will be changing that to every 6 weeks after the next visit. My family, neighbours and friends also continue to provide amazing support. I've takenover 200 boxes and bags and 12 pieces of furniture from the house to Charity shops and given a heap of stuff away. Much of this was Amanda's mothers and granmothers stuff which held no interest for me. As Amanda's horse had died I sold the horse float and Amanda's near new 4WD and got almost what we paid for it. The caravan, which was much more Amanda's idea of fun (I only went along to help and keep Amanda company) had been sitting in the carport for 2 years and decided to move that on and manage to get just 10% less than what we paid for it 10 years ago. After all this I decided to treat myself and bought a new Tesla Model Y Performance, as I reckoned I deserve it. I still have my Toyota HiAce Van for carrying grubby milling stuff and timber around but will probably move this on eventually.

The main reason I got a Tesla was 3 of my brothers all have model 3's. One engineer brother has had his for ~3 years and he's my goto tech support always available at the other end of a phone. I've only had air for a week and am loving it. The main reason I got a Y was it had to be able to carry my two dogs.



I hope to get back to some form of wood working and perhaps milling soon. Thanks again to everyone for their support.

 

[BobL]

The Anniversary of Amanda' passing was two weeks ago and got through it OK. I seem to be spending most of my time walking my dogs with friends, socialising with friends and family, and driving my new vehicle to visit friends inlacing a few in the country. On my last road trip I even did about 100 miles on dirt/gravel roads and am blown away at how well it handles. This week I'm driving 300 miles down south to stay on a friends farm for a a few days. Will also try to do a bit more dirt roading. My dogs go with me everywhere and they have been saviours for me emotionally.

I've put Amanda's ashes in the front garden and planted some new roses she liked on top. The week before the anniversary I went away and came back on the actual day of the anniversay and saw the roses had just started to flower. I can also see the rose garden from my study as I type these words.


Still haven't found a home shop project that interests me. I keep looking at my saws that need attention but keep saying to myself "not yet". I've also sold my 15 year old Toyota HiAce Van as I had only done 2000 miles in it during the last year, and most of those miles was by family members using it to move "stuff". I haven't paid for hardly any fuel for it during that time as the deal with friends and relatives for using it was, "if you use it you return it full of fuel". It mostly sat in the driveway taking up space and was starting to rust - not an easy decision to sell, and while initially was sorry to see it go but now that its gone I don't miss it. If I end up needing to move milling gear or timber around I have a long drawbar 5x8 trailer which my Tesla can tow like it's not even on the back.

A couple of things I have had done aroundaround the house is get the 28 year old kitchen cupboards completely replaced (Amanda and I already had drawn up plans for this) and now I'm getting the house painted inside and out. It's very difficult to get decent trades people to do work around here. I got quotes for the kitchen in March this year and the renovators didn't started on it until early July and took 3 months to complete.

Here's a before shot of the kitchen - while it looks perfectly acceptable for a 28 year old kitchen the cupboards were badly water damage inside and that oregon bench top was cracked, chipped and dented in many places and I was sick of constantly resurfacing it.


Here is what it looks like now.
I kept all the built in appliances as the oldest was only 7 years old but I did get myself a new espresso machine which was 19 years old and on its last legs.


The particular house painter I wanted is fussy and very good but very hard to get hold of as everyone wants him to do their place. We asked him if he was available 4 years ago and he said to contact him in 12 months time. My "asking him" went on year after year until a couple of months back when he said I could start but only come 1-2 days a week which means it will take months to complete but he is worth it as his speciality is thorough preparation which my place really needs as some of it has not been painted for 40 years.

Thanks again for all your support.

 

[Coralillo Lo Pro]

Great work on the house, Bob! I lost my mom in Feb 2022, my Dad's partner of over 60 years, and he's been stoic about it outwardly but was an enormous blow to his life spirit which is usually always quite high. My sister has just gotten him interested in traveling again the last few months and has been to the woods of Upper Peninsula Michigan and to Maine. He didn't have much ambition to travel for at least a year since nearly all his traveling had been done with my mother. I drove out with my wife and daughter to see him in Florida last month for first time since a year ago September, and got to work as I usually do chainsawing and mowing and trimming to bring some light back into the overgrown riverfront property and tackling a mess of projects he'd been waiting on me to do when I came. Not something any of my family there seems motivated to keep up with. He's still fit enough to keep up with some of it himself, but it's too much work without some help. He was so thrilled to see everything cleaned up and repaired, like a big breath of life blown into the property. Part of it is self-interest, I've been hoping to move back and build on the back four acres for awhile now but money is never quite there.

Good trades people anywhere are hard to find, it's a refrain I keep hearing. I could probably make a mint in the contracting business, but it's not really what I want to do. Kind of prefer the low pay but no obligations life of my niche woodworking and occasional mechanical work. America seems particularly to be suffering from years of outsourcing its manufacturing and focusing on consumption and convenience to where the number of skilled trades people and repair people has diminished to near crisis point, and/or priced beyond all reason. I find myself doing steady repairs, both automotive and small engine, for a tree service friend who hooks me up with logs at times who has everything constantly breaking on him. He'd be bankrupted by now from downtime without work and high repair costs if he had to depend on Stihl dealers to repair his gear or auto shops to fix his truck.

Photo is of the remaining bit of Australia that remains on my Dad's property, some casuarinas at least 70 years old now that are the last ones not to be blown over by hurricanes. The whole beach of about ten of them interwoven actually did go over in 1977 in a storm, but we trimmed them and pushed them over back into place and they're still there. All the others ones on the property have been taken out by other hurricanes, but as they're non-natives, haven't shed a tear about it. They are the best wood my Dad has ever found for smoking fish, though, so he likes having some still around. The bench was barnacle encrusted from a neighbor's sunken mangled dock my Dad and brother and nephew salvaged, so I cleaned it up as a riverfront spot among the casuarinas, and sawed up the dock to use as trail bridges over marshy spots on the back of the property.

 

[BobL]

Thanks for your story CLP, it's possibly not for everyone but sharing stories is a great tonic for my grief.

 

[GeneralKayoss]

I've only been on this site for a few months, and chainsaw milling for about the same length of time, but your posts and comments on milling and the like have been of great benefit to me! I hope you're doing well Bob!

 

[Seachaser]

I've only been on this site for a few months, and chainsaw milling for about the same length of time, but your posts and comments on milling and the like have been of great benefit to me! I hope you're doing well Bob!

Same here. Have not decided on which direction to go in milling, but I appreciate the time and effort you gave to everyone. Can’t imagine what you’ve been through, but my prayers are with you.

 

[BobL]

Thanks Guys. The last 6 months I've been plagued by worsening leg/knee/ankle issues and I have been finding it difficult to walk my dogs for 500 yards so have been driving them to the park early in the mornings where sit on a park bench and throw the ball for them to chase. In a strange twist of things I have still been able to do leg strengthening weight lifting at the gym twice a week, and recently 3 times a week and also some upper body weights as well. I leave the gym feeling tired but contented so I will keep going in the hope that the legs and the milling bug returns. Neither I or the docs know why I can push reasonable weights for my age but not walk far.

My opportunities for milling have been dealt a significant blow by the arborist I have been in cahoots with for 17 years as he is closing down his yard and selling all his gear and lumber. Today I went down to his yard to catch up with him and he gave me the low down on what happed - long story not worth bothering about . He has already sold the big BS mill and is hanging on the the Woodland till he completes a job and then decided what to do with it. At the yard I picked up some milling gear I still have in a sea container full of slabs and craft wood that I milled back in 2008. I could only a few take small things and timber as all I had was my EV but I will return in a few days with my 8x5 trailer and pick up the remainder of the milling gear and a few slabs that I can work on at home.

I will be selling some of my mills and saws simply because I don't have room for them at home and I might as well get some $$ for them. If my legs return I hope to still mill occasionally ether at home on a friend's farm using the 441 and my small alaskan mill. Hell I even have a hankering for making a new small Alaskan. It has been really difficult to work in my shop as my recently departed wife used to work in there with me on her own projects but these last few months I have been feeling better about working in there.

 

[J D]

Thanks Guys. The last 6 months I've been plagued by worsening leg/knee/ankle issues and I have been finding it difficult to walk my dogs for 500 yards so have been driving them to the park early in the mornings where sit on a park bench and throw the ball for them to chase. In a strange twist of things I have still been able to do leg strengthening weight lifting at the gym twice a week, and recently 3 times a week and also some upper body weights as well. I leave the gym feeling tired but contented so I will keep going in the hope that the legs and the milling bug returns. Neither I or the docs know why I can push reasonable weights for my age but not walk far.

My opportunities for milling have been dealt a significant blow by the arborist I have been in cahoots with for 17 years as he is closing down his yard and selling all his gear and lumber. Today I went down to his yard to catch up with him and he gave me the low down on what happed - long story not worth bothering about . He has already sold the big BS mill and is hanging on the the Woodland till he completes a job and then decided what to do with it. At the yard I picked up some milling gear I still have in a sea container full of slabs and craft wood that I milled back in 2008. I could only a few take small things and timber as all I had was my sedan but I will return in a few days and pick up the remainder of the milling gear and a few slabs that I can work on at home.

I will be selling some of my mills and saws simply because I don't have room for them at home and I might as well get some $$ for them. If my legs return I hope to still mill occasionally ether at home on a friend's farm using the 441 and my small alaskan mill. Hell I even have a hankering for making a new small Alaskan. It has been really difficult to work in my shop as my recently departed wife used to work in there with me on her own projects but these last few months I have been feeling better about working in there.

Good to hear from you Bob, even if its not all good news... it's nice to know you're ok.
Hopefully having something that you're motivated to achieve in your workshop will take the edge of working in there without her. Maybe a project made from some of that wood that she would've liked to see around the place, or something to give on her behalf or in remembrance of her.