There are days when my ever so delicate structure overloads my posterior to the point where im covered in so much fecal matter that I would have to have a snorkel that would reach a giraffes exhaust pluming just to take a breath of fresh air , Sad to say most of these days my alligator mouth overloads my hummingbird ass. These days seem to have a way of returning a blowheart back to church mouse status. Just incase it was missed earlier I am a rather large feller, 6’3 305. and not a slouch at that status.
When you read this story it will probably take even a good reader a matter of several minutes to dredge thru this tale . Keep in the back of your head that what im writing and your probably reluctantly reading over breakfast and coffee, this took less than ten seconds to transpire . well the actual horror part . Horor in my line of work happens in mear seconds and sometimes has almost tragic results.
I stepped out of the crew house , 5:00 am , looked into the derrick while listening to the sound of the generators humming , Watched the Kelly slowly spinning in the rotary table , the rotary of death ( this means my relief ran one square off in my ass without even a slight trace of anything slick . ) 13000 feet of pipe to pull out the hole to change the bit out , That sorry s.o.b. waited till 4:45 too call the boss and tell him the bit was trashed and wasn’t drilling worth a damn. Which means they have just enough time to prepare everything for a long days work for us.( bits just like chains , when dull will not cut for chit) . By the time the Marlboro red had just about burnt out my vertically challenged boss decided to come out for the safety meeting and try to rub salt in a wound. My demeaner at this time went back a few years , Like a transformer I went from sum beach I got to trip pipe , to HELL YEA lets get this muther f***er out the hole and show these boys how to burn a bit back to bottom . Roughnecks motto . old school that is “ f**ck , fight , and trip pipe…..
There is something almost spiritual about the feeling of the machine when you pick up its vibrations , how its running pulling, howling , the two almost become one . When that machine sings to the tune your playin . When you drag the pipe up off the slips, the cluctches groan and squeal as the bladders air up and fully engage them , when the derrick squats after you pick up 300k pounds off the slips. Spiritual , hell its poetry in motion ,
Shortly after the safety/ bull#### meeting came to a close it was time to dress for hell, January on a mountain of steel with water leaks and drizzling rain from time to time would make a well diggers ass pucker up at time . One layer of long handles on top of some silk stockings,( laugh if you will the damn things work ) with two pair of wool socks crammed into redwings, With a carhart duck brown long sleeve draped over the top . All underneath the cherry on top the old grey hard hat that had seen more miles than a two dollar hooker in allnight truck stop . ( when I was 18 I looked at men with this description and wondered why they had a calloused attitude , now I know) . I truged through the slush they called a rig pad to wards the rig floor stairs. My relief being the considerate gentlemen that he was had recently douched the rig floor off and washed the stairs in the process. At 20 degrees this makes a trip to the rig floor more like a barnum and baileys side show act , Most times with a lunch pail being hurled off the steps just so you can grab the handrails to kepp from making a dramatic trip back to the bottom twice as fast as your trip up . At this point in our adventure my mood was somewhere between the warmth of a hibernating grizzley being rudely awakened or a rottwilder someone just kicked in the face with a golf shoe .
Attitude aside , I made the trip to the floor without falter. Not saying I didn’t slip , just not enough to prematurely panic. My relief was standing in the old delapodated dog house smiling like a possum eating chit . My pride wouldn’t let him knoiw he had pissed me off, I shook his hand , said our to do’s and on his merry way. Now for the task at hand. PULLLL THIS PIPE OUT THE GROUND…. Hold on boys here we go , first 15 stands pulled where slicker than greased out chit , Numebr 16 had its lil surprise in store , Pulled 30 foot of the stand out and wham , the lil weight indicator went from 250 to 300k pounds in a split seconds. Gut reaction , dump the clutch and let her fall back out of it . In a perfect world this works, My world aint perfect….
10 seconds of horror, Dumped the clutch, it fell out of the spot that was dragging her down , whew , relief the pipe aint stuck, Grabbed the auxiliary brake to slow the ole girl down so my brakes would stop it , Guess the auxiliary brake decided it wanted to take a siesta, and kick itself out , At this point I Scream at the top of my lungs for my crew to abandon ship , Well I told them “ get the f**k out of here.” The boys scattered like roaches when the lights came on . My derrick hand was watching this fiasco from a safe vantage point approx 95 feet above my head . When he relized what was going on he was squeeling over the p.a. for me to run . At this juncture my brain was saying run, but the body was locked in for the ride. When I realized my aux brake had went on hiatus , raw instincts had me climb on top of a 6 foot long brake handle and bounce like a 5 year old on a trampoline trying to stop this 900 mile an hour freight train from dumping on the rig floor . Even with bouncing and pulling nothing was even remotely slowing. Raw momentum pulled the blocks back to the rig floor as if gravity itself had multiplied exponentially . When the elevators hit the rig floor and the rig floor held the load I was able to stop the blocks from continueing on there destructive path. When the cloud of white smoke cleared and I could see ole yellow( the 25k pound blocks) it was appox 3 inches above my head. It was at this point my drawworks returned to life, and the forking clutch I had enguaged 5 seconds prior to this finally enguaged and began pickint the blocks back up . Damage to the rig. One piece of 1 inch square tubing was bent on the cage that went around the drillers console . this piece of iron is only 8 inches from my head when I am standing flat footed on the ground. I was standing on top of the brake handle at this point which elevated my postion to 2 foot higher. Why I wasn’t Knoncked flat on my arse I will never know . my head was above the bar, the bar was bent.
When all the “dust” settled and I could convince my hands and muscles to release their anaconda like grip , I stepped back and went to my knees. It wasn’t a voulantary movement , it was as if Dracula had tapped a vein and drained the life from my limbs.
These days have been few and far between , but as infrequent as they might be they still have a way of humility, While I don’t like remembering these events, I am thankfull for them . reminds me that anything human made can fail, even steel