This just in....

[Dennis]

News Network

Man Steals Odd Store Display

Late friday night in a small pharmacy in Ballinifad a man entered posing as a regular customer. He was dressed nicely and carried several red roses in his hand. He made his way to the back of the store where he then picked up a store display and ran out the door with it, leaving the roses scattered on the floor as he fled. 2 of the 3 other customers in the store at the time identified the man as John Lambert, a resident of Ballinifad.
It turns out that the store display that John ran off with contained 30 disposable enemas. Police are still uncertain why anyone would need that many enemas. And they are still looking for John for further questioning. The store owner had only recently set up the display as part of a 3 week promotion. "Maybe he was severly constipated and didn't know what else to do" the store owner later stated.

 

[Dennis]

What are the odds??!!

Enumclaw Man Misses Big Break

On Janauary 1st, a lotto drawing was held for $50,000. The winner was Robert Andrews, a resident of Washington. The only problem is that Robert never claimed the huge cash prize. The winner had 6 months to claim the prize and was informed via email that they had won. Further attempts at contacting Robert by phone and mail failed. The prize was sponsored by Internet Advertisements and Millionaire Promotions Inc. A spokesperson for Millionaire Promotions stated "It's unfortunate that Robert didn't claim the prize. We tried several times to get in touch with Robert but were not successful. A new drawing will be held next month. We hope this time the winner will step forward." Millionaire Promotions feels that 6 months was more than enough time for a person to claim the prize. The deadline for claiming the prize was July 1st. It appears that Robert in no way attempted to conact Millionaire Promotions. This is the first time that someone has missed such a large prize awarded by Millionaire Promotions

 

[Dennis]

We all thought so...

Doug The Hacker Strikes Again


For the 12th time in 5 weeks, the US Government's computers have been broken into. All 12 attacks happened to different systems and servers within the government. What sets these attacks apart is the evidence left behind. "We do know that the hacker goes by the alias, Doug. And, each attack has disrupted service for an average of 5 hours. This has added up to a total loss of nearly 18 million dollars due to system repairs and upgrades." Said Dr. Richard Marciniak, lead technical engineer for the US Government.
The attacks are far from average. The hacker logs into the system and plants a virus. The virus then spreads across the system, altering every file very slightly. These changes can throw off huge calculations in government funds, allocated resources and many more critical areas of the government.
Government officials are looking into the hacker alias, Doug and are getting close to finding the origins of the attacks. The hacker is facing an estimated 70 years in prison and enormous fines.

 

[Dennis]

Doug the hacker sent me this..

Library Billing Notice

Borrower Name: Turbanottolux

Overdue Books:

UFO Sightings (04/03/1993)
Cost of Book: $25

Basics Of Tai Chi (04/03/1993)
Cost of Book: $17

Aircraft of WWII (04/03/1993)
Cost of Book: $34

How to Fart in Public (10/30/1993)
Cost of Book: $45

Gone with the Wind (10/30/1993)
Cost of Book $53

------------------------------------------
Total Cost of Books: $174
Late Fees: $330
------------------------------------------

Total Fee: $504

 

[herschel]

Re: Doug the hacker sent me this..

Originally posted by Dennis
How to Fart in Public (10/30/1993)
Cost of Book: $45

I could have used that book today.

 

[Gypo Logger]

Dennis, I was hoping that one wouldnt leak out to the public.
I also got caught running out with a case of deodorant. When the cops asked me if it was the ball type, I just said no, that it was the type for under my arms.
Gypo

 

[Lobo]

Good God,

I should not read these things early in the morning.

Now my gut will hurt all day from laughing so much.

 

[StIhL MaGnUm]

You guy's are too much LMAO


Later Rob...

 

[HUSKYMAN]

Well now its official. All Canadians are full of sh!t past their eyeballs

 

[John in MA]

Who said he was drinking it?

 

[dbabcock]

When the cops asked me if it was the ball type, I just said no,

Speaking of ball types, I'm surprised than no one has dug up the newspaper article of when Gypo tired to hijack a truck filled with ball gags.

 

[logcutter429]

I guess when ya hafta go you got to try somthin.

 

[Harley]

I love dropping by here. Ever time I come by to see whats up you guys make me laugh my a$$ off. Thanks.

 

[sawracr]

In order to identify these culprits the line up was asked to do an about face and pull down yer pants, from the Aborist site came a unanimous cry,........"THATS THEM"!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Dennis]

Small World...

Toilet Paper Theft


Early Wednesday morning, a man walked into a small restaraunt in Ca. but instead of ordering a meal like the usual guests, walked straight into the women's bathroom and ran back out with an armful of toilet paper. The waitress working there that day tried to stop the man from leaving the restaurant, but was not successful. Witnesses identified the man as Jon Rupley(sawracr), a resident of Ca.. Police are still looking for Jon for further questioning. Later in the day, a few local trees were covered in toilet paper. They suspect that these two crimes may be related.

 

[Marky Mark]

Now who this

I cann't seem to figure out who this culpret is any help???

 

[Lobo]

My bag and stick are really up for a good sweaty game of golf right now.

Eight!!!!!

 

[dbabcock]

Marky,
Where did you get that picture? I took that of Dennis when we were up in Clearwater and never posted it for fear of Darin.

 

[Gypo Logger]

Hey Doug, that was Denise, not Dennis. If Dennis looked liked Denise, I'd be puttin' the wood to im'.
Gypo

 

[tundraotto]

sure doesn't look like Dennis now does it If that was Dennis the customers would be doing the hopping up....

PS. Dennis, I returned those books well in time - honest.