# tree worker jokes?



## didgeridoo (Jun 15, 2001)

we all love to kid around us tree fellers so heres an opportunity for us all to let rip with the dark sordid humor we all know and love.


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## Darin (Jun 15, 2001)

Not that this is a joke but when I heard it, I thought it was funny. 
We were at a tub-grinding place one day and these Vietamese guys showed up. One said he left his chainsaw by the brush pile and had they seen it. Yep, the guys said. He had a box and this Husqvarna was in little 1/2 inch chips!!! Then the owner of the place said, Now you owe me $100 for the grinder teeth. Dumping fine is $100. Its funny and its not I know, but the way the guy put it, was classic.


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## didgeridoo (Jun 16, 2001)

*brings back memories*

Once upon a time, chipping cypresses that we had just felled, Somebody said hey wheres the loppers? Seconds later the chipper starts coughing and shaking, and nuts and bolts fly out the chute? We knew some damage had been caused (chunks missing from the blades) but how we laughed!

Oh yeah, don't leave your loppers in piles of cypress people!

I heard about a STIHL 020 getting chipped once as well (But i'm not responsible). Still, better than an arm (heard about that one too, yuck!).

Thumbs up to greenmech chippers.


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## didgeridoo (Jun 16, 2001)

*stupid humor.*

Why wouldn't the female panda marry the nale panda?
Because he eats shoots and leaves.

(Dont blame me, i heard it from a freind).


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## Darin (Jun 16, 2001)

I should tell you another story. I owned a repair shop and an employee promised this item welded two days before he actually came in. I had to stop what I was doing and weld this rototiller back into shape. Well, my mechanic tipped up the rear with the engine down. Started welding and and was sitting there holding the thing steady. Welp, since we tipped it and were in a hurry. The gas had started seeping out and I jumped out of the way and he was still welding. The owner of the machine (which he purchased a week before) was watching. We put the fire out and went in the back. We couldn't help but laugh. It was hillarious. Until I had to talk to the guy about it. It started right back up. But instead of white, its black now!!


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## Deere John (Jun 16, 2001)

I had an employee "accidentally" run a 50' length of utility rope through the drum chipper one day. He stood there and laughed - it was really funny. Just like spagetti.

Funny, I haven't seen him since that day!


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## svrfsvp (Jun 20, 2001)

Years ago I climbed a dead white pine in a residential setting to secure a pull rope. After struggling up through the branches and getting covered with sap, I got as far as I was going to go and started tying the rope in place. While I was doing that I notice that one of my coworkers has started his saw and is merrily sawing away at the base of the very tree that I am in. "Ride it down!" he hollers up at me. Right, says I, as I scramble to the ground (amazing how much faster one goes towards the earth than away). I got out of the tree and asked him what the heck he was doing - his reply "Gotta break the new guys in right - with a little lumberjack humor." I think the "little" part was accurate!


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## Treeman14 (Jun 20, 2001)

A distraught woman is calling all over town for help to get a bear out of the large oak tree in her front yard. She finally gets in touch with this good ole boy who says he'll be right over to take care of it. He shows up a short time later with a ferocious looking dog in the back of his pickup. He gets out, looks over the situation and proceeds to hand the woman a shotgun. Then he starts to climb up the tree. Meanwhile, the dog is just sitting there next to the truck staring up at the bear in the tree. The woman yells out, "Wait a minute, what are you doing". 
The guy spits out a big wad of chew and says, "Well, ma'am. You see, I'm gonna climb up this here tree and wrastle that bear out of there. The second that bear hits the ground, that there dog is specially trained to grab him by the kahonies and drag him around the yard till he passes out. Then I'm a gonna put him in the truck and take him outta here". He then starts to climb the tree again.
The woman yells out once more, " But why did you give me this shotgun?"
The guy says' "Well, if I get up there and that bear somehow manages to throw me outta the tree, you shoot that damn dog."


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## monkeypuzzle (Jun 29, 2001)

Jerry Clower tells a few good ones about trees and tree climbers.The "knock 'em out John " story is one of the funniest things i've ever heard.


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## John Paul Sanborn (Jun 30, 2001)

One winter morning I'm lokking around for my hat. Look in the chip box and it has blaze orange fluff floating all over....


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## Dave (Jul 1, 2001)

A tree guy walks into a bar - OUCH!!! (sorry)


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## davee3 (Jul 7, 2001)

One of the funniest things I ever done while out with the crew was disturb the foreman when he was taking his morning dump in the back of the chip box. For the full story and a few more go to my site.

http://members.tripod.com/treework/page8.html

Dave3


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## homelite360 (Jul 7, 2001)

i was taking down this one big old oak tree a year ago and for a school project i had to make a how to video. so i figured that i would recurit one of my friends to tape me taking down this tree and processing it. whell i was on my way do ing my cuts to get her down and everything was going just fine and the tree dropped right where i wanted it to. that was pretty good considering that it was 44" at the base. but after i got it all down i set the big saw down and was going to go back and get a smaller saw to start limbing it and i look back and my buddy is laying there on his ass under a pile of branches. what turned out was there was a grape vine going from a dead branch of another near by tree and over tothe one that i took down and when the tree went down it took the branch right down and on top of my buddy. needless to say when we were watching the footage later it was pretty funny to all of the sudden see this giant pile of branches come out of nowheres to on top of the camera. but i put that in the dont's section of the how to video


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## treeclimber165 (Jul 8, 2001)

*Bear warning*

CAUTION! BEAR ALERT!
The Toronto Dept Fish & Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears..They advise people to wear noise-producing devices, such as little bells, to alert but not startle the bears. And to carry pepper spray, in case of an encounter with a bear. .
Also to watch for signs of bear activity and be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings..Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur..Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.


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## John Paul Sanborn (Jul 8, 2001)

I've heard that in some parks the bells are attracting bears. It means people will run and drop a backpack.

Also that many bears love peperspary, people were spraying their tents thinking it a repellent....


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## Kneejerk Bombas (Feb 8, 2002)

A guy walks into the local hardware store and asks for the best chain saw they got. The salesman tells him, "This is a real good one, and it can cut 10 cords of wood a day." 
So the guy buys it. He goes right home and starts cutting. He cuts all afternoon and in to the nite. At dusk he only has 1/2 of a cord cut. So he figures he'll really give it a go and try again tomorrow, to see if he can cut 10 cords.
Well, the next day comes and he gets up early and cuts all day, even skips lunch. This time dusk comes and he only has 1.5 cords cut.
So the next day he takes the saw back to the store and complains. The clerk says, "Lets take it in back and check it out." So they go in back and the clerk starts it up. The guy jumps back and says, "What's that noise?"


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## monkeypuzzle (Feb 9, 2002)

I'd like to hire that dude.


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## Kneejerk Bombas (Mar 13, 2002)

Two arborists met in the park, one carrying a brand new chain saw. The first arborist said:

"Where'd you get that?"

The other answered:

"A gorgeous blonde came up to me, set the saw down on the ground, ripped off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want!"

The first arborist replied:

"Good choice...the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."


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## Kevin (Mar 13, 2002)

An arborist stumbles into the doctors office with a branch protruding from his belly button and says... doc, I don`t feel good.

After looking him over the doctor replies, 
*you aren`t eating properly*!


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## hooch27 (Apr 3, 2002)

hi guys
I had a timber cutting business and I needed a new feller, so I put and ad in the paper and I got this call from this guy that he could cut for me. I asked him if he had experience felling and he said that he cut fire wouod for a lot of years. So I said that i would give him a shot, then I asked him if he had his own saw. he then replied to me yes I do, do you want ot me to bring my extension cord or do you have one? I just laughed and i hung up.
later 
hooch


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## dan kraus (Apr 4, 2002)

A few years ago a tree company, (who will go nameless) got done dumping their bucket truck. They negleted to put the bucket down however, and went merrily on their way. they took out phone line after phone line without realizing it, till they hit a cabled line that stoped their truck.:Monkey: :Monkey: :Monkey:


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## rbtree (Apr 4, 2002)

Gee, DK, sorry to hear that . Was that 15 years ago, and did your dad still invite you to the dinner table?


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## rbtree (Apr 4, 2002)

It wasn't a tree company, but 15 or 20 years ago, I saw a dump truck driving down the road with his dump most of the way up. I don't recollect for sure, but it might have been on one of our local floating bridges. I dont think he was spreading gravel, as it was a mite too warm for there to be ice on the road!! :blob4:


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## dan kraus (Apr 5, 2002)

No Roger that was not me, but I have exploded a transformer with a big bunch of coconuts. pops not to happy.


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## rbtree (Apr 5, 2002)

Hmmm.

Even worse than being a gman under a coulter pine or monkey puzzle, eh.......!!?

Headaaaaaache.........


........IIIIIIIInnnnncomingggggggggg.





OWWWWWW!! :Monkey: :jester:


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## sgreanbeans (Apr 5, 2002)

this might be long.
last year we took down a massive bur oak, 50"dbh, i went up and took the back side of of it so i could fell it the other way.
it was at new home constuction of a house that was 1.1 million
if things went bad the tree would hit the house. so all the contractors are out watchin me! to add to the pressure the are predicting that the tree will land either on the house our go over back wards. we tied it off to the bobcat and i put a real deep flat notch in it and the flat cut it from th back with about 2-3" left in side. pulled out the saw looked up at the contractors and walked towards my operator in the bobcat, when i felt i was out of the way i gave him the go too lay it down , he did, when all was done
the tree lay right were i wanted it! but i was not complety out of the way, the very top of the tree lay across my boots, seizing the oppurtunity! i looked up at the contractors, they are wide eyed and mouths droped, they actually think that i new right were i could stand for the tree not too hit me, them fools! when the tree came over i frooze! i wanted to watch and was not paying attention that i was still that close! just thought it was kinda funny! plus im still getting calls from those guys to get more work!


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## John Paul Sanborn (Apr 5, 2002)

"Hey anyone got some clean underware?"


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## Jumper (Apr 14, 2002)

*Where's the cell phone???*

Speaking of things going through chippers, our boss fed his cell phone though his a few months ago. It burped.Made him seem as vulnerable to sh*t happening as this new guy.


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## Kneejerk Bombas (Aug 30, 2002)

An arborist had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions. 
On his birthday, his truck broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home. 
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" 
She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it. 
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead. 
When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in. 
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!" 
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.


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## Stumper (Aug 31, 2002)

Down in Louisiana....
Tibideaux was out sitting on his front porch when Budroe drove up pulling a john boat with stuff all over it. Tibideaux asked "Hey Budroe, what Is dat stuff on you boat?" Budroe replied " Them's cattails. I gone ta catch me some catfish. You wanna go?"Tibideaux answered. " Budroe you crazy coon *aspen*, cattail ain't got nothin to do wid catfish get on outen here!" Late that afternoon Budroe stopped by with the purtiest string of catfish Tibideaux had ever seen.
A couple days later Budroe drops by again. Tibideaux looks at Budroe's truck and asks "Budroe what is all dat stuff on you truck?" Budroe answered "That be duckweed. I gone to shoot me some ducks. You wanna come?" Tibideax shakes his head"Budroe you must be da stupidest cajun in da whole Parish. Duckweed don't have nothin' to do wid duck huntin'! Besides I cain't go today." That evening Budroe stopped by with a whole passle of fat Canvasbacks,mallards and wood ducks! "You shoulda come huntin Tibideax" he said as he handed Tibideax a pair of Canvasbacks.
2 days later Budroe drove up with his truck absolutely loaded down with branches." Budroe what you got all over you truck now?" asked Tibideaux. Budroe replied, "Oh, them be branches I cut dis mornin'. I been cuttin' ***** Willow. I'm gone to....." " "Hang on Budroe, I'll come wid you," shouted Tibideaux and he jumped in the truck....................

An hour and a half later Budroe pulled back into Tibideaux's driveway and said."Tibideaux you is a good friend to go out there to the dumpground wid me and unload all dem branches by yourself. You is one crazy coon *aspen* but you is about the best fren a feller could have."

P.S. This couldn't have been 'our' Budroe could it since He is from Florida?


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## hillbilly (Sep 4, 2002)

*topping at least 15 feet*

A freelance arborist here in town spent 2 hours trying to convince
a customer not to top his 50 feet oak.
The customer still insisted on topping it and offered to pay
for a full days work, just to get it done.
Ok, says the arbo, but we'll make a contract, to be sure to get
the full payment.
Customer leaves for work, the arbo starts his Husky
and the proceeds with felling the entire oak.
He then leaves a note in the customer's mailbox saying
"work done, expecting payment".
He explained to me that in the contract it said
"top the oak, AT LEAST by 15 feet from the top"
Well, he topped it 50 feet from the top.
Believe he got sued


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## Nickrosis (Sep 4, 2002)

You could also agree to top the tree and schedule the work for another day.

Come back with a camera crew, some reporters, and a few community leaders and provide a demonstration of what NOT to do to trees.

Nickrosis


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## John Paul Sanborn (Sep 4, 2002)

And have a big red Crawford truck topping a tree for Malinda's "Great Lakes Gardens"


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## Nickrosis (Sep 4, 2002)

We would cloak the vehicles, of course.

Unless it was clear it was a demonstration....


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