# Extremely American Mud Loggers



## slowp (Mar 4, 2009)

Sometime soon, we will have more logging of the slide. By professionals--not me and my co-workers, although we were getting more efficient.

So I'm thinking we need yet another tv show. *Extremely American Mud Loggers. *

I wanted to do a poll but can't figure it out.

What channel should it be on? And should we get a "Greenhorn" from like, Seattle?


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## Burvol (Mar 4, 2009)

slowp said:


> Sometime soon, we will have more logging of the slide. By professionals--not me and my co-workers, although we were getting more efficient.
> 
> So I'm thinking we need yet another tv show. *Extremely American Mud Loggers. *
> 
> ...



I'm still off, I'd love to come up and cut.


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## slowp (Mar 4, 2009)

You'd have to audition. How many bleeps per sentence would be important.
Also, is the camera your friend? I'm thinking _*Extremely American Mudloggers *_should go the extra mile and have the loggers wear makeup. And color coordinated, camera friendly clothing. The better to get covered with the mud. :biggrinbounce2:

Now, how does one do a poll?


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## KD57 (Mar 4, 2009)

I can drive up there in my Volvo, and I even have my own saw, a killer 011. I used to cut down a rose bush in my yard, so I have lots of experience. I have done mostly modeling for department stores, but always wanted to be a real Logger. Would I qualify?


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## joesawer (Mar 4, 2009)

What does it pay? 
Does it pay extra if we color coordinate and have very colorful language?
Will they buy me a new tin hat if I pitch a fit and put the corks to it?


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## HuskyMike (Mar 4, 2009)

I can be your greenhorn. I am great at looking confused

I will bring my 460. I am fast on my feet and will supply the Skoal Mint!

I have a great ass that will look good in chaps for the camera! 

When do I start?

Edit to add, I can swear like a drunken sailor and am real good at making up names to call people on the spot, your editor MUST have a quick beeping finger!


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## slowp (Mar 4, 2009)

We want original cussing phrases. None of that plain old 4 letter stuff. We don't want a bunch of half bunned rigging fits, we will go for a quality fit, not quantity. Yes, since it is close to Spring, pastel clothing will be required. 
Any other ideas?


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## HuskyMike (Mar 4, 2009)

I am good at original, that I can assure that you will get.

I like the season/ clothes ideas, but we you'll really need to rake in the doe to pay the FCC fines for swearing so much, maybe some product or places should be pushed.

Example: after felling a tree the feller can turn and smile at the camera and say " That tree could have came back on me, but it didn't because I stayed at a Holiday inn express last night!"

Or: after pulling a tough load up with the yarder the operator could say
" Golly gee, that was a heavy one! I thought the yarder was gonna tip over!
every time I pull a heavy load it reminds me to shop at Walmart, Walmart, every day low prices"


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## M.R. (Mar 4, 2009)

slowp said:


> We want original cussing phrases. None of that plain old 4 letter stuff. We don't want a bunch of half bunned rigging fits, we will go for a quality fit, not quantity. Yes, since it is close to Spring, pastel clothing will be required.
> Any other ideas?



Guess that would leave out putting a insolater cap on top of his spark plug and attaching one of your colorfull stickers to Huskymike's 460 while he's in doing make-up that could read something like 'Stihl Born' to get him started.


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## Gologit (Mar 5, 2009)

M.R. said:


> Guess that would leave out putting a insolater cap on top of his spark plug and attaching one of your colorfull stickers to Huskymike's 460 while he's in doing make-up that could read something like 'Stihl Born' to get him started.



A good dab of electical tape across the top of the plug shorts them out pretty good, too. Then you can get the crew together and watch him get redder and redder in the face when his saw won't start.

Might even get to see a good old fashioned riggin fit complete with hardhat throw and some of that original language that Slowp likes so much.


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## Humptulips (Mar 5, 2009)

I wish to audition for the Dwayne character. I'm well seasoned (please don't call me old), I know all the cuss words and how they fit in with original logging lingo ( not just your obligatory F word in every sentence, although I can do that if it's in the script) and although I never threw many rigging fits I've seen it done and can fake it. I also can tell many stories about the time I was injured, maimed or almost killed. Oh, and I have logged in mud and have worn it as makeup.
What do you think? Do I have a shot at the part?


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## slowp (Mar 5, 2009)

Humptulips said:


> I wish to audition for the Dwayne character. I'm well seasoned (please don't call me old), I know all the cuss words and how they fit in with original logging lingo ( not just your obligatory F word in every sentence, although I can do that if it's in the script) and although I never threw many rigging fits I've seen it done and can fake it. I also can tell many stories about the time I was injured, maimed or almost killed. Oh, and I have logged in mud and have worn it as makeup.
> What do you think? Do I have a shot at the part?



I like that term--well seasoned. I look at Dwayne, and I'm the same age, and he looks old! That makes me think I might be old. We'll use lots of make-up. I happen to have a friend who worked at a make up counter in a store, so that qualifies her for that position. 

I like the commercial idea. Maybe a Bobby Ricky-or is it Ricky Bobby type yarder with sponser decals on it. Like Advil, Chiropractors, and bone setter doctors.


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## Gologit (Mar 5, 2009)

*Auditions*

I'm glad you guys are trying out for all the brush ape parts 'cause I know the one I want. None of that tough stuff for me, I got something better picked out.

I'll audition for the Forest Service part. Think about it...they don't have to show up until way after daylight, they drive nice new pickups that don't smell like old socks and snoose, unless they fall down they never get dirty, a pair of gloves probably last them all season, as long as they have the rule book they don't have to know anything, and they can park anywhere they want to.

I know there's probably going to be a lot of competition for the job but I have many years of experience at mumbling, giving different answers to the same question to different people, and avoiding hard work. 

There's some things I'd have to learn, like arriving late and going home early, never smiling, insisting on the haul-road right of way over loaded trucks, drinking latte out of a clean cup instead of Folgers out of a soup can, and giving the impression that I knew everything that was going on when I really couldn't tell which end of the Cat to hook the choker to...but I can probably fake my way through that stuff...just like the real ones.

Where do I sign up?




Can I have my huckleberry pie now?


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## RandyMac (Mar 5, 2009)

What kinda mud are we talking about? Regular logging mud or Redwood landing kinda mud? I have worked in places where logs that would have sunk in the pond, were floating in mud, D8s were in deep, to the top of the tracks. Wheel loaders couldn't work, had to use the old NorthWests.


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## slowp (Mar 5, 2009)

Gologit said:


> I'm glad you guys are trying out for all the brush ape parts 'cause I know the one I want. None of that tough stuff for me, I got something better picked out.
> 
> I'll audition for the Forest Service part. Think about it...they don't have to show up until way after daylight, they drive nice new pickups that don't smell like old socks and snoose, unless they fall down they never get dirty, a pair of gloves probably last them all season, as long as they have the rule book they don't have to know anything, and they can park anywhere they want to.
> 
> ...




Well, you'll have to share the scenes with the "ID Teams" of 'ologists, who will be filmed from the get-go. You'll be filmed trying to get them to commit to a date on the calendar to go up and make a decision that they don't trust you to make, you are obviously not qualified to make that decision because it is after October, and the mud is obviously different than the mud of September. Then you will be filmed on a dog and pony show with the local enviro group. They will show up later than you and will refuse to get off the road but will profess to know everything that is going on.

And, I just don't know. Running log trucks off the road with a pickup takes years of training. Not just everyone can do it! It can't be faked. Can you point out that the largest log on the load has not been branded or painted? Or that it might be a good idea to take that load receipt out of the pocket and staple it (and it is printed on the ticket by the word staple, staple, staple, staple, fold over and staple so anyone who can read that word will know where to staple it) to the driver's side of the front of the road--no this is not Weyco and it doesn't go on the back. And so on.

And can you be filmed starting out the door early then getting a phone call from somebody in the office that is in control of your office to please fill out this form, I'll e-mail or fax it right up to you, but you must get it back to me today because I've dinked around until the last minute getting this report in and now I need to have you save my buns so fill it out right now. And by the way, it is 20 pages long. We'll be taking the computer system down a while but you still need to get it done so hang around, we'll be getting the system up shortly. 

You'll have to memorize the word NO. And use it frequently with no expletives. That latter part is hard. 

Our mud is a kinder and gentler mud. Not much clay. It will trap you if you are circumferentially challenged and do not have the foot size to off set that.
Then it will be either slip out of your Vikings which are trying to do that anyway, or have some help.


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## Gologit (Mar 5, 2009)

No problem! I can do all that. For awhile. What do you do _after_ lunch?


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## slowp (Mar 5, 2009)

Gologit said:


> No problem! I can do all that. For awhile. What do you do _after_ lunch?



Well, then we think of ways to get in the way. That would be when the log truck running off the road starts. After lunch there's a good chance any truck we meet will be a bit late already. The ticket lecture is best done in the morning when there's more trucks to delay.


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## Gologit (Mar 5, 2009)

slowp said:


> Well, then we think of ways to get in the way. That would be when the log truck running off the road starts. After lunch there's a good chance any truck we meet will be a bit late already. The ticket lecture is best done in the morning when there's more trucks to delay.



Don't forget the "Lost Log Lecture" and the "Lost Log Form Lecture" and the "Accurate Log Count Lecture" and the "Sharp Axe With Head Firmly Attached Lecture" and the "Shovel Suitable For Digging Lecture" and the "Don't Drag Your Trailer Across The New Culvert In The Switchback Lecture" and the "Designated Haul Route Lecture" and...well, there's more but that's enough for now.

Is it true that they're going to start printing the "staple, staple, staple, staple, fold, staple" in Spanish, too?


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## Humptulips (Mar 5, 2009)

RandyMac said:


> What kinda mud are we talking about? Regular logging mud or Redwood landing kinda mud? I have worked in places where logs that would have sunk in the pond, were floating in mud, D8s were in deep, to the top of the tracks. Wheel loaders couldn't work, had to use the old NorthWests.



Top of the tracks deep mud! Typical Californian. Obviously you don't understand what deep mud is.


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## Cedarkerf (Mar 5, 2009)

I want a part as a Greenie. I have lotta expierience hugging trees (before decapatating them). My hairs kinda long and un kempt I could skip showering a day so i could stink can I can I pleeeeeese. Choose me


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## joesawer (Mar 5, 2009)

Humptulips said:


> Top of the tracks deep mud! Typical Californian. Obviously you don't understand what deep mud is.





We used to, but now they shut us down if the dust is settled.


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## slowp (Mar 6, 2009)

Gologit said:


> Is it true that they're going to start printing the "staple, staple, staple, staple, fold, staple" in Spanish, too?



Thanks. I'll "suggest" that and get an "exceeds" on my civil rights element on my report card. Maybe a cash award!

I practiced yesterday. We can easily do a chain sharpening on the tailgate segment during the filming. In horizontal rain.


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## 2dogs (Mar 7, 2009)

Heck I'm going to audition for the part I have now. That is, standing around by myself for an hour wondering when the rest of the crew is going to show up. Am I the only one who owns an alarm clock?


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## MNTAINGAL23 (Mar 7, 2009)

slowp said:


> Sometime soon, we will have more logging of the slide. By professionals--not me and my co-workers, although we were getting more efficient.
> 
> So I'm thinking we need yet another tv show. *Extremely American Mud Loggers. *
> 
> ...



Hey Patty you need to recruit some one from Capitol Hill, then you'll surely have a man that can color coordinate like no other, come up with some really colorful language, put make up on and go shopping with you too if need be!:hmm3grin2orange:


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## wilbilt (Mar 8, 2009)

Gologit said:


> Is it true that they're going to start printing the "staple, staple, staple, staple, fold, staple" in Spanish, too?



I hear it will have to be in Hmong as well, starting next year. In Kahleefoania, anyhow.


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## Gologit (Mar 8, 2009)

wilbilt said:


> I hear it will have to be in Hmong as well, starting next year. In Kahleefoania, anyhow.



I don't think so...they're all too busy poaching deer, salmon, and game birds to have time to work.


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## slowp (Mar 8, 2009)

MNTAINGAL23 said:


> Hey Patty you need to recruit some one from Capitol Hill, then you'll surely have a man that can color coordinate like no other, come up with some really colorful language, put make up on and go shopping with you too if need be!:hmm3grin2orange:



So, the show becomes Extremely Diverse American Mud Loggers. Wow. Fashion in the Woods. I'm liking it.  Chihuahuas in the shovel!
 I'm an equal opportunity show thinker upper.


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## chainsawboy1996 (Mar 8, 2009)

Humptulips said:


> Top of the tracks deep mud! Typical Californian. Obviously you don't understand what deep mud is.



i dont think you have seen our red clay thats has no end. we had our unimog stuck in red clay a few years ago and the tires are stock 42" 6' window hight and brought the window thigh hight


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## Bushler (Mar 8, 2009)

I'd like to try out for Cat Skinner. The following pics from my potfolio should demonstrate my qualifications.

Going!







Going....






Gone!


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## Bushler (Mar 8, 2009)

I usually sing hymns when stressed. Someone else will have to do the cursing......


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## MNTAINGAL23 (Mar 8, 2009)

slowp said:


> So, the show becomes Extremely Diverse American Mud Loggers. Wow. Fashion in the Woods. I'm liking it.  Chihuahuas in the shovel!
> I'm an equal opportunity show thinker upper.



Then after a hard days work they can all go for lattes, talk about what detergent they are going to use for the dirt on their clothes, and what lotion they will use to soften their hands.:hmm3grin2orange:


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## pickwood (Mar 8, 2009)

Sounds like we need a casting call for some metrosexuals with no saw or equipment skills-and showing no common sense puts you in a starring role.

I once sunk a D7 so deep that the top of cab was level with the ground- so naturally I like a equipment operator role.


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## Gologit (Mar 8, 2009)

MNTAINGAL23 said:


> Then after a hard days work they can all go for lattes, talk about what detergent they are going to use for the dirt on their clothes, and what lotion they will use to soften their hands.:hmm3grin2orange:



:hmm3grin2orange: You and Slowp putting your ideas together is dangerous. All we need is Trinity to chime in and you'd all 
have us singing the LumberJack Song from Monty Python.

I _was_ going to sign up but this whole thing is beginning to worry me.


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## gunnarfan (Mar 8, 2009)

ya know RuPaul has reality show on the logo channel that finds the top drag queens.. maybe a runner up or a "first cut" would qualify.

got to love satellite tv


this is referring to the green horn.. i skipped through the meat of this thread


or should i say i tucked it


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## slowp (Mar 8, 2009)

MNTAINGAL23 said:


> Then after a hard days work they can all go for lattes, talk about what detergent they are going to use for the dirt on their clothes, and what lotion they will use to soften their hands.:hmm3grin2orange:



And what scent to use in the hot tub. I like it. Perhaps get a spa or diet company as a sponser. Richard Simmons can come spend a day in the brush and work out a routine to a disco tune. I can hear him now, he'll have to put at least one cuss word in his routine to keep it authentic. 

Maybe Oprah will want to do a show?


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## MNTAINGAL23 (Mar 8, 2009)

Gologit said:


> :hmm3grin2orange: You and Slowp putting your ideas together is dangerous. All we need is Trinity to chime in and you'd all
> have us singing the LumberJack Song from Money Python.
> 
> I _was_ going to sign up but this whole thing is beginning to worry me.



Since you are running heavy equipment you can be the guy that cusses at the greenhorns and tells the camera how inexperienced they are and how you're gonna quit unless the boss gets some decent help.:hmm3grin2orange::hmm3grin2orange:


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## joesawer (Mar 8, 2009)

slowp said:


> And what scent to use in the hot tub. I like it. Perhaps get a spa or diet company as a sponser. Richard Simmons can come spend a day in the brush and work out a routine to a disco tune. I can hear him now, he'll have to put at least one cuss word in his routine to keep it authentic.
> 
> Maybe Oprah will want to do a show?





I need the work but, No Thanks. I will pass on this opportunity.


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## Gologit (Mar 8, 2009)

MNTAINGAL23 said:


> Since you are running heavy equipment you can be the guy that cusses at the greenhorns and tells the camera how inexperienced they are and how you're gonna quit unless the boss gets some decent help.:hmm3grin2orange::hmm3grin2orange:



Thanks, Jani, but I think that job will have too many people that want it. Besides, yelling at greenhorns just confuses them.  They never get any smarter that way. Believe me, I tried...and it just never worked.


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## Gologit (Mar 8, 2009)

joesawer said:


> I need the work but, No Thanks. I will pass on this opportunity.



Joe...see post #13. There should be at least five or six of us for that role. We can all drive to the job, only one man to a crewcab pickup of course, and stand around trying not to look confused while we figure out how to shut the job down.


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## arbadacarba (Mar 8, 2009)

Don't forget the steroid guy and the sponge guy so everyone looks buff and sweaty after a hard day's work!!!opcorn:


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## slowp (Mar 9, 2009)

Gologit said:


> Joe...see post #13. There should be at least five or six of us for that role. We can all drive to the job, only one man to a crewcab pickup of course, and stand around trying not to look confused while we figure out how to shut the job down.



Yes, and then to do all the paperwork that comes from shutting it down. That is enough to keep several people busy along with the phone calls.


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## joesawer (Mar 9, 2009)

Gologit said:


> Joe...see post #13. There should be at least five or six of us for that role. We can all drive to the job, only one man to a crewcab pickup of course, and stand around trying not to look confused while we figure out how to shut the job down.





No thanks. I will take a zero.
I think they would expect that person to hang out with Richard Simmons, Oprah, and Rupaul. You would probably be expected to be politicaly correct, and I don't know how, I can't even fake it.
They might even want you to hang out in the lilac scented hot tub and rub each other down with lotion. That would not be a good environment for me. I would probably go to prison or maybe just mysteriously disappear.


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## Gologit (Mar 9, 2009)

joesawer said:


> No thanks. I will take a zero.
> I think they would expect that person to hang out with Richard Simmons, Oprah, and Rupaul. You would probably be expected to be politicaly correct, and I don't know how, I can't even fake it.
> They might even want you to hang out in the lilac scented hot tub and rub each other down with lotion. That would not be a good environment for me. I would probably go to prison or maybe just mysteriously disappear.



Yeah, you're probably right. I hadn't thought about Richard Simmons and all that other stuff.

Maybe I just better give the whole deal a good leaving alone. Besides, lilacs make me sneeze and the thought of giving Oprah a rubdown makes me want to throw up.


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## MNTAINGAL23 (Mar 10, 2009)

joesawer said:


> No thanks. I will take a zero.
> I think they would expect that person to hang out with Richard Simmons, Oprah, and Rupaul. You would probably be expected to be politicaly correct, and I don't know how, I can't even fake it.
> They might even want you to hang out in the lilac scented hot tub and rub each other down with lotion. That would not be a good environment for me. I would probably go to prison or maybe just mysteriously disappear.



No I think this will be the politically incorrect show, that will make it more interesting and more fun to watch.
Course we may have half the cast running off crying like pansies!:hmm3grin2orange:
We can have our own reality show with lots of drama! opcorn:Maybe even make the season finale a four hour special.


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