Calming Collateral Aggravation

[JTinaTree]

First thing, if damage occurs and if its early enough in the job, pack up quick and go to the next street over and start knocking on doors for more work. Have different magnetic signs on your truck and change them frequently. Send a bill anyway, you never know.

When starting a job, try to break obviously breakable things when you arrive and claim it must have happened that night. Carry a big piece of deadwood in your jacket to plant on site to help with the cover story.

Most houses are white,Use body filler and white spraypaint to cover up damage. using this paint is often quicker than cleaning and area of house that has green stains from dragging branches. If the client is older, dont worry about a colour match, just spray a fine mist on there glasses, they wont see jack!

A kids watercolour paint set will cover a large range of colours to hide a large variety of damage.

Try to do jobs when neighbours arent home and where there are fences at least 5 feet high. this way you can just throw all debris over on the neighbours side out of sight and still get your check (or better cash!), and if you wreck the neighbours toolshed they wont know for hours! Go back a week later (with different company name) and ask the neighbour if they have any debris they would like removed and mulched. If so just throw the stuff back over the fence!

salvation army clothing bins are great for getting rid of wood and root matter you dont want.

Dirt can make all damage look old, use it frequently and well.

If you damage something thats movable, throw it in the back of the truck and claim it must have been stolen. If its fixable, fix it and take it back to them saying you brought them another or claim you had to fight 6 hells angels to get it back. Or sell it on ebay and say it got damaged by falling space shuttle debris.

If they have a pet, nab it and lock it up in the toolboxes of the truck, bring it back a month later to claim any reward that should rightly be paid to you. Dont forget to feed the pet, youll get better reward if its not dead.

If you accidently kill a neighbours pet with a falling branch, either chip ALL evidence or get your crew of guys to jack up a neighbours car, put said pet under the wheel and lower car. If its a dog, consider using it at your next job with clients car, claiming its your dog. Cry if possible.

Claim your company is the Christian Arboricultural Specialist Healers or something of the kind, CASH for short on all checks of course. Anything that goes wrong, claim god told you to do it and all unbelievers will feel his wrath.

Cut all stumps really low and then cover area with mulch, claim you stump ground them.

If asked for a planting plan or landscaping, find a nearby neighbour with a nice place and just "borrow" there garden. Dont worry about digging small trees and shrubs, just cut low, sharpen end and stick in ground. It only has to last as long as the cheque clears. Go to neighbour the next day and claim you can redo what they have lost for half what it originally cost, take the plants back and stick em in the ground.

Lots of ladders, especially big ones are a sign of excellence and professionalism, and they dont cost as much as harness and ropes, and require less set up time.

Blowtorches can make things look like freak lightning damage

If stuck with alot of wood on a job, call the local drug enforcement agency and claim theres is a kilo of heroine in a peice of wood on the property. They will take all the wood away to find it back at there base!

Seriously dead trees shouldnt be messed with, arrange to do it when owner is away. Spray tree in gasoline and set light to it. Removal without dragging! If people come around claim it to be like moses and the burning bush, sell tickets and souvenier bits of mulch the look like Jesus. Tell them only believers can see the obvious simularity

Keep what looks like a suicide bombers bomb vest in the truck, should you kill a client on the job, put the vest on him or her and claim he was about to blow up something. If he happens to look anything like Osama bin laden, try to claim the reward, same if it looks like hillary clinton.

If they damage is to great and you cant get away, get one of your ground crew to sneakily set fire to the clients car, this will act as a good distraction and make any damage they were once concerned about seem minor. charge extra for helping to put it out. Dont leave pet under wheel in this case, as you wont be able to use it later.

You have thought all of this too well You don't practice any of this do you?? But I did get think your post was pretty funny.

 

[Blinky]

[...]
Most houses are white,Use body filler and white spraypaint to cover up damage. using this paint is often quicker than cleaning and area of house that has green stains from dragging branches. If the client is older, dont worry about a colour match, just spray a fine mist on there glasses, they wont see jack!

A kids watercolour paint set will cover a large range of colours to hide a large variety of damage.
[...]

Any chance you and Martha Stewart are related?


About blowing the gutters, I can tell you it made a big difference in the fence owner's demeanor. She was sort of suspicious and tenative when I told her about the damage and that we would be back to fix it. After the gutters were done, she and Guy were best buddies just chatting it up while I slaved away on that fence. I'm just glad it wasn't a Cyclone fence.

Regardless of the business you're in, giving a little extra is always a good policy if you have it to give. You can't buy goodwill at any price, at least not without some action to show you're sincere.

I can tell you this much, even a little limb will shatter a 2x4 from 100'.

 

[TimberMcPherson]

I own up to any damage done, most of the damage so far this year has been done by my lab pup who comes with us on all jobs. So far she has destroyed 1 bucket, many waterbowls, a fountain, a moonhopper (which was in use by a child at the time) a soccer and rugby ball,many tennis balls, a rakehead and upset alot of goldfish by launching herself into a waterfeature.

Offered to pay for all of it, people have just laughed and given her treats for her appauling behaviour. I offer to keep her in the truck on every job but so far I have yet to have a client have a problem with her. Heck some take her for walks, bring there kids home from school early to play with her and offer to babysit her anytime.

Over the last 5 year I have done less than $500 worth of damage. Pretty happy with that.