Good news bad news time.
So... freehand sharpened the entire 900 chain. Sharpening with the guide wasn't gutting the teeth enough to give chips anywhere to go.
Went to start the saw and it didn't want to idle. Tuned the L / idle... The pullcord broke. Fixed that. Saw RIPPED through half a slab (the good news) but sounded like it was running crazy lean (And I hadn't touched the H)... Looked down and the muffler was hanging onto the saw by a prayer (the bad news).
Turns out the number of hairline cracks in the muffler that my cleaning had revealed were actually fullfledged breaks that were held together by either rust or (my guess) some form of epoxy... which failed once the saw got running... and the muffler mounting points (which the cracks had surrounded) were in fact fully broken off of the muffler... causing it to lose tension and almost fall off.
Go and look for a replacement muffler and lo and behold they don't exist... so looking like the guy I bought the saw from may have had this problem; did a temporary fix that he knew wouldn't hold and sold the saw since he couldn't replace the muffler.
It looks like a small weld job could fix it assuming the material isn't simply too thin for welding (all the pieces are here); so I may see if I can find a welder to patch it together for me. If not, Maybe JB weld Extreme heat would hold up?
Meantime... solved the issue of why it couldn't mill worth a damn at least.